dont worry.

ive got a box of memories big enough for the both of us.

i dont even know where to start

because i cant do this. say anything.i found my old phone today. i compared to very similar photos from a year ago and i look so sad. a week ago. i look so different now. tired. wornit wont make sense. out. lost. sad. i realized it is almost a year to you cheating on me.this time last year, i was so confident we were about to overcome everything. this time last year, maybe i was naive and stupid. i was foregoing art for love. i was wrapped in the arms of someone i was already losingm but have yet to stop loving. i was dating someone i thought i was going to marry, someone i was so secure with, through rocking and shaking foundation. i worried so much, but was so carefree. i was young and naive. but i was happy. we took each other for granted. we had these problems. but tonight is the first night that the three words in my head are no longer ni love hern. rather, the words emmulating simply state we didnt work. my phone wont even let this post come across coherently. i just need to get this out. we didnt work. we didnt work. we didnt work.

you wont find me here anymore.

i still wonder

if you still get sad like i do.
if you're also at the point, where you can't cry anymore, so your eyes just get blurry and your throat stays in a lump.

i wish that being away from me made you miss me more, but i think its just making you happier.

you're so distant, we never talk. when we do, you're dismissive.

you want nothing to do with me right now, maybe ever. I am fairly certain you are happy in the arms of someone else.

all of your things in a box, or three, all of your clothes in my bottom drawer, all of your photos and videos in a password protected file on my computer. All of your voice mails, well, I haven't really had the heart to delete those yet.

I'm not sure that I'm trying to move on, so much as make daily living more bearable.

and the minute those wings

begin to flutter for someone else,



mine begin to break.
i'm so stupid, to ever get my hopes up.

the little things that i have kept tucked away so safely to remember, sentenced to a box to be placed somewhere secret, so i may forget.

i don't have anyone to talk to anymore.

i don't have anywhere to be sad, except here. The flood is coming.

Can you imagine, if this show hadn't been canceled? Our lives would have been so different.

im boxing up our memories.

it seemed to help you.

it's tough, you know? i had previously arranged my room so everywhere i looked i was reminded of you. it's torture now.

honestly,

you're still in love with me. i know it will piss you off to read this, but if you weren't this wouldn't hurt.

maybe i just gotta get gone////

caring about how someone feels

is so much different than actually caring about them.


i spent so long trying to make sure you were not a pebble, you were not a pebble.

now i need to figure out how to make you one.

i noticed

That for some reason, that sounded spiteful.

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if your last tumblr post was about me

And what you wouldn't do for me right now, I'm afraid the answer is no longer "nothing". Double negatives can be confusing.

All I want to say is happy birthday and I love you.

And I'll be damned, but that sure as hell hasn't changed a bit.

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hit on me

And then hit on my ex girlfriend, that you know completely hold my heart. Real classy j, real classy.

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i still want this.

I really do.

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cleaning out my laptop.

so bittersweet.

face tennis, eh?

fuck it.

i won't get upset, when i don't have the right.
i won't let something small, ruin a day that could be big.

i don't care about any of that. i just want what i had yesterday.

you know what really sucks?

that just as things are getting good, and we are friends again, i realized you broke another promise.

i guess you dont have to keep promises to me anymore. i am just realizing that being your friend is going to hurt, when you do things you swore to me you wouldn't (after we broke up), and then finding out you did them anyway.

It's worse when all i asked is that you tell me if it did, and you swore you understood and said that you would.

uhhh, oh no. my body just got so tired.

But I think it is because tonight I will rest easy. I'm sober. I'm stable. I'm wearing my tan tegan and sara shirt that has been hiding in the bottom of a bag of things you gave back to me, tightly packed away with the others, so one by one I can sleep in them and drift to your lingering scent. Smell is the biggest trigger of memory, so it only makes sense. To me, these shirts smell like happiness.

Perhaps I should feel like it is wrong or strange to indulge in something so small and interesting, but nostalgia always wins over reason.

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you signed my guestbook <3 always. I looked at it for awhile. I haven't cried about it externally for awhile, but seeing that is so bittersweet. I just can't forget the feelings.

Nowhere feels like home.

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