was i crying in my sleep?

it sure felt like it when i woke up..


i had the worst dream i have ever had. Worse than my dreams at cornerstone. Worse than my series of Laura Edwards dreams. Worst than all of those put together.


Why was it so hard?

I get a call from you, telling me you want to to the right thing. Then you wont answer my calls, when you told me to call you back. You send me straight to your voice mail. You text me and tell me you're sorry. I tell you "don't apologize, what's wrong?". Somehow you are where I am. I have to look you in the face and see you say "I have another girlfriend".

I ask you if you are going to break up with her, and you say no. I tell i would forgive you and never bring it up again if it ended. You looked at me with disgust. I ask you if you love her. You tell me yes. I ask if you love me. You shake your head no.

I woke up reaching for you because i forgot i wasn't there. I can't go back to sleep. I'm so tired.

Why do i always have these horrible dreams? I think they are brought on by worries or stress.



Why would i be worried? I am so afraid to tell you. I feel like all i do is make you mad lately. I feel like there are little things that you don't tell me about that upset you, and then sometimes they build up.

Half of the time i was with you in
the last two days i felt like a nuisance.

I am not trying to make you feel bad. I don't want to make you angry.

All i want to do is sit down and talk about everything before you go to school. I want to make sure every little thing is cleared up before you leave. I can't stand the idea of us having a little problem while you are away. I am so afraid that this won't happen though. I know it's not how you are wired, and i would never ask you to change, but i wish you would open up more. I know you are capable of doing it. I don't want a patch of issues to pop up again.

Maybe you are thinking that everything already is cleared up. I thought so too but if this were the case then neither of us would have been upset on tuesday. A lot of the time i feel like i am causing all of the problems, because i actually tell you when something is bothering me. I can't keep doing that if it keeps making you and and you aren't willing to listen and talk about it. I only tell you so we can demolish it in its tracks.

When something is bothering you, i don't even know until you say it in response to something that is bothering me. It makes me feel like shit, because i know things would have been different, for both of us if we actaully talked about things.


I feel like you are even going to get upset reading this, and it scares me.


I'm scared that lately somethign is changes in the way you feel, not necessarily about me, but something. It eats at me because usually i know just what's going on, and i right now i have no idea.
I'm scared that you think that i act too young. I feel like you feel like you are so much older than me. Maybe i am completely imagining that.
I'm scared that you are getting bored with me, that you want to be doing things with other people because doing nothing is getting old.

I know we look at a lot of things differently, and like you said that's hwere we need to compromise. How can we compromise if we don't know how the other person is seeing things.

oh my god.


i hate myself for this. I sound controlling. I sound like i am triyng to mak ethis relationship fit inside a tiny box. Why is it that i can't sit back and just do nothing? Why can't i just let what will happen, happen. I feel like me trying to fix things further aggitates you and makes things worse.


this is all because of that fucking dream. I hate the way my mind works.

And i'm sorry that i just want to know. I want to get back in your mind and know you as well as i used to, because predicting your habits and seeing you talk aren't the same as knowing how you feel.