instability

flashing back.

i didn't want to be dependent on medication,
but i already am.

i wanted a simple answer to the not so simple things going on in my mind,
the irrationalities, the swings, the ups, the downs.

as i'm sure you could imagine, finding a solution,
and then feeling that solution weaken only makes my paranoia in those fields grow.

i am feeling insecure again, sad, needy, paranoid, desperate, alone.
i am feeling like you are the only cure again.
i am back to finding happiness solely in your presence,
and frantically seeking it when i am elsewhere.
it scares me, because i know what that can cause.

it only triples, because i know it shouldn't feel any of it.

i feel like crying, real tears.
it's been awhile, oh, approximately a month.
i can feel it coming.

i just don't feel happy,

and for some reason the real kick in the gut is knowing that right now,

at this very second,
this very moment,
there is a select group
of people whom could actually
make me happy,
cheer me up.
only few people,
one outweighing the others.
these people equal everyone,
and while i don't feel happy,

some how everyone else is.