ghosts

on occasion, there is a phrase that still haunts me.

it goes like this:

"i miss being pressed against those hips."
a phrase i am sure we both hate.
you perhaps, even more than i.*

it only haunts me, because i imagine you smiling. This dear, does not hurt me, so much as it reminds me i need to cope. I wonder what happened to me that made me this way? I am not distrustful, i believe it is my own nature, to feel that feeling, as irrational as it may be. I know I've felt that feeling ever since i found out that each drunken phone call was a sober confession of infidelity, the coals that day were stoked and ignited. They hardly sparked though, because darling, there wasn't even a flame there to keep them live. Now that my body has felt that heat and holds those coals, it is just reaction to be, jealous? See, this is not the word for now. Hurt is not the word either. Uncontainable certainly does not fit here. Prior to the unfaithfulness in my life, i was trusting and lovely, you would think a little naive, but on the contrary my credulity was not a problem. In these cases, jealousy was alive.

Now, however, it is not.
Love is not jealous. Love is not jealous.

I suppose what i am trying to say, that little burning in my stomach sometimes cannot be put out by the hoses in my eyes, but together they make a disaster-piece sewed to suit. It is not so bad you see, but any spark left remaining in any fire can illuminate a small flame, but mind you they die quickly.

I suppose what i am trying to say, is that reactions may occur sometimes with the lightest wind, but it is not your fault. This is not to say you could possibly put them out, because i am afraid it will take a long while for the spark to turn to ash.

I only wish you could have met me untouched, non-threatened and not yet scarred by the previous paladins whom tried to break in to batter my heart when it was not theirs to beat. They managed to leave only bruises and fissures around my chest, all of which you manged to slide by without a break or a tinge of pain from the lesions.

I suppose i am trying to say that even at the most irrational times little sparks may fly inside me, because of things that have happened to me in the past. Therefor, it is not your fault. It is human nature darling :), or at least my nature at that.
I suppose i can never quite find the words i woudl like to find to say the things i would like to say.
I suppose i am trying to say i am new to this, we both are.

I suppose what i am trying to say,
is that i love you.

*i'm sorry if you read this, because it is
something that i know you
do not like to be reminded
of, but i would hate for this
'secret' blog to lose it's meaning
and it's publicity by me
hiding away again.

me (11:06:54 PM): i really wish i could just hug you

mostly because
for no apparent reason
i have started to
cry my eyes out
like abandoned ships
pouring from rivers.

my head is pounding again.
pulsing.
pulsing.

i think i'll go to sleep.

"The funny thing about the sun coming up every morning, it only happens if you want it to."

the worst feeling

the worst feeling
is that tinge of pain
bouncing off the
reflection of someones eyes
when you've thrown it there, way
and it hitting you
straight through
your pupils
and sinking into your stomach

before it even hits your mind.

Sometimes i feel like you cannot see from my point of view because you believe i can do no wrong. Often, this makes talking to you about these things difficult.

I have hurt you, and inflicted pain so many times since we have met. Anything that has caused me pain is your past, is nothing you have done to me since we have met.

Perhaps you're thinking of one occasion, a few weeks ago. Maybe that was one. Only one occasion. I want that to be void.



I told you i couldn't feel anything when i touched you. I was lying right beside you, telling you i could not feel anything when we kissed. My dear, i was lying, one large fat lie after another, but my mind thought they were right. What does that make me? Misled? I am not sure either. Impaired, perhaps.

If you know something you say or do would hurt someone you love, and you do it in spite of that, what does that make you. A monster. It makes me a monster.


Sometimes, i think i subconsciously create all of these struggles at night, because i miss you so much when you are asleep. I don't want to tell you that though, because i don't want you to stay up. I hate the person i become when the sun goes down and the lights go off. The person i become in the morning sometimes too.

Absolutely.

oh and

things like these.

...take a shower already.
and straighten up that ring.

I took my first shower today since Wednesday? Tuesday?.. I don't even know. I've felt so lethargic and so, just tired. It's exhausting, trying to force yourself to do things when you are exhausted. It is so utterly exhausting to jump off of seven cliffs onto 12 edges of rocks when all you want to do is lie down in warm arms in a nice bed.

bulletins

this is what i've been posting instead of blogs.






annnnd

I still feel like
this single picture
expresses me better
than i ever
could manage
in
words.


Hmm.

(:

good.

it's striking me as odd
that i am never
profoundly
moved to write

when things are good.


what a dreary little girl i've become.

:/

i feel like
the last couple of days

i've only made you mad
every time we speak online.


apologies are brimming my darling.

i'm sorry?