ghosts

on occasion, there is a phrase that still haunts me.

it goes like this:

"i miss being pressed against those hips."
a phrase i am sure we both hate.
you perhaps, even more than i.*

it only haunts me, because i imagine you smiling. This dear, does not hurt me, so much as it reminds me i need to cope. I wonder what happened to me that made me this way? I am not distrustful, i believe it is my own nature, to feel that feeling, as irrational as it may be. I know I've felt that feeling ever since i found out that each drunken phone call was a sober confession of infidelity, the coals that day were stoked and ignited. They hardly sparked though, because darling, there wasn't even a flame there to keep them live. Now that my body has felt that heat and holds those coals, it is just reaction to be, jealous? See, this is not the word for now. Hurt is not the word either. Uncontainable certainly does not fit here. Prior to the unfaithfulness in my life, i was trusting and lovely, you would think a little naive, but on the contrary my credulity was not a problem. In these cases, jealousy was alive.

Now, however, it is not.
Love is not jealous. Love is not jealous.

I suppose what i am trying to say, that little burning in my stomach sometimes cannot be put out by the hoses in my eyes, but together they make a disaster-piece sewed to suit. It is not so bad you see, but any spark left remaining in any fire can illuminate a small flame, but mind you they die quickly.

I suppose what i am trying to say, is that reactions may occur sometimes with the lightest wind, but it is not your fault. This is not to say you could possibly put them out, because i am afraid it will take a long while for the spark to turn to ash.

I only wish you could have met me untouched, non-threatened and not yet scarred by the previous paladins whom tried to break in to batter my heart when it was not theirs to beat. They managed to leave only bruises and fissures around my chest, all of which you manged to slide by without a break or a tinge of pain from the lesions.

I suppose i am trying to say that even at the most irrational times little sparks may fly inside me, because of things that have happened to me in the past. Therefor, it is not your fault. It is human nature darling :), or at least my nature at that.
I suppose i can never quite find the words i woudl like to find to say the things i would like to say.
I suppose i am trying to say i am new to this, we both are.

I suppose what i am trying to say,
is that i love you.

*i'm sorry if you read this, because it is
something that i know you
do not like to be reminded
of, but i would hate for this
'secret' blog to lose it's meaning
and it's publicity by me
hiding away again.