one year.

i cannot believe it has been a year.
my mind is not flexible enough to wrap itself around that fact.

A year ago today, my friend Laura Edwards committed suicide. The thign is, she was never just my friend, she was Everyone's friend.

It is so odd to think about this day last year, how i awoke with high spirits and fell asleep to tears. I remember when i heard the news. For the next couple days i convinced myself it was someone else, convinced myself this was not that Laura. It wasn't even until i took my first step into the funeral home and glanced at her baby picture that it hit me. That same bright smile in every picture, though gradually as the line progressed through photos with her age, i noticed a certain glimmer in her smile flicker and fade. The life she was lost in is even lost to some of us, but the memories won't fade. Even the brightest lights that go out leave that blind spot in your eyes. Laura was the opposite, she opened eyes up. She saved me more than I saved her, i woudl have again if given the chance.

The way lives have been effected is indescribable.

But I'm doing ok.

you (8:43:01 PM): do you want to talk about anything?

me (8:43:57 PM): i still feel like it didn't happen

me (8:44:02 PM): i sitll feel like

me (8:44:08 PM): im going to go back to church or a track meet

me (8:44:21 PM): and she's going to be sitting behind me or giving me a hug and telling me how long its been

me (8:44:36 PM): i still expect her to act like she's black and call me dawwg all the time

me (8:44:53 PM): and go off on tangents about things that no one can follow

me(8:44:56 PM): but laughed along anyway

me (8:45:25 PM): i miss seeing that spark in her smile when everyone was frowning, and watching it light everyone else up like matches

me (8:45:41 PM): i miss hearing her laugh, because it was one of my favorites

me (8:45:45 PM): it was infectious and sincere

me (8:45:53 PM): and i miss talking about our problems together

me (8:46:04 PM): and i hate that she was one of the only people i ever got close to and she's gone

me (8:46:16 PM): because i feel like everything i told her and gave to her, she took that part of me with her

me (8:46:21 PM): and i don't think i'll ever get it back

me (8:46:38 PM): and it's just constantly going to be filled with this bubble with her memories and all of the things she gave me

or at least i thought i was.