300th post

It's hard to fall asleep at night without saying goodnight to you. I am convinced that is what is keeping me up.

if you ever come to read these, and this, i am afraid it will make it harder for you to try to connect with me as a friend down the road, knowing i will want to work for more. I would not mistake your friendship for anything more without you telling me, or kissing me, or something drastic. I know that isn't what you want anymore, or at least not right now. I know you have things you need to figure out. You don't know where you stand, and therefor do not know if you would ever want to try us again.

Regardless, I feel we both want what we had before, but we know that what we once had was not what was present most recently. This is what I am blaming myself for. There is so much I want to do differently if ever given the opportunity. This is relevant as far as simply being friends goes as well.

I won't have my band anymore. I think i was getting so caught up in getting my old life back, the one that didn't work with you in it, that i did not realize it isn't really what i want anymore. It isn't as meaningful by any means. Even when we shared the same bed, it was as if i kept my passion for my music.

The wonderful thing about being in a loving relationship is knowing that you would give your passion up for someone, but also knowing they would never ask you to because it is part of what makes you who you are. You never asked me to, and i asked you to give up so much. I cannot change the person you are, or ask you to, because that would be changing the person that i fell in love with that night on the street in october of 2008. It seems so long ago, but also so close.

It is true, I want my girlfriend back. It is more true though, that I want my best friend back. I miss being silly with you, and rolling around wrestling on the floor. It is true, we tried and couldn't get that back, but the reason i am beating myself up is because I know i was only trying halfheartedly.

I am afraid you might feel like i am only wanting you so much because i can't have you, but the minute i do i wont want you as much. The first part, of course is true, but not in the way it seems. More than anything, i have come to know what it is like without you.

You said to me on your porch that other people have said we are young, we will find another love, we can move on. I am at the same conclusion you were, and i was prior to this, but was just lost. I don't want another, I don't want new, I dont want to move on. Why would I want to leave in hopes of finding something like this, when it is right here?

I told you that i sometimes felt like we were holding onto something that was no longer there. What a load of fucking bull shit. The problem wasnt that we were holding onto something that wasnt there, it was that i was letting go or ignoring what still was.

I don't want to run. I dont want to be a fear or flight person. We are both emotionally exhausted. We are both worn out and our hearts are tired, but mine still wants to live happily beside yours.

The day we were discussing the show and you told me that you felt like it almost wasnt worth trying anymore, i think i misunderstood. That day, that was what set me off, put my wall up and shut you out. In retrospect i think you meant being a part of shows, etc. That day, I thought you meant us. I felt like i feel now, as if you have given up.

I know you don't know what you want, you don't know where you stand, it isn't an easy thing for you to understand right now. I can only guess, but i think it is because you love me, but you dont want to be in the mess we had at the end. You don't want to be with the person i was.

Remember the loving, sweet girl i used to be? The one that brought you flowers just because? The girl that showed up at 8 am just to crawl into bed with you, even if i had to work in an hour? The girl that waited for you after work, so i could smoke your first post-work cigarette with you, then go back to your house and cuddle like there was no tomorrow? The girl that used to keep you up at night, trying to make love to you when all you wanted to do was sleep? More importantly, the girl who did the things i needed to for me, but still made sure that you felt like you came first? the girl that was balanced and composed?

The longer i go feeling like you will never come back into my life, the closer i get to that girl. i do not know if it is because I am more determined to be that girl, or because i realized that is who i am, and therefore that is who i lost, but regardless, i assure you she is coming.

Maybe if you read this, it will stress you out. Maybe it will reassure you. Maybe it will push you away, I don't know. I have no way of knowing. I do not want you to feel stressed, confused, or pressured. I want you to feel like you, because that is the girl that i love. I want so much for us to grow as individuals, as friends, and hopefully as lovers, and enter into a relationship that is not classified as a high school romance or a first love. I want it to be real love, the lasting kind.

I am not sure if it is the best part to me right now or the worst, but i know it is possible. I know what i need to do differently, and perhaps it may be surprising to hear, but we were always right. Happiness has to come from within ourselves first, therefor when i stopped trying it took our toll.

I have faith in us. I do not know why, at this shaky point, where we are currently nothing but each other's first love, and unfortunately ex's, but i see so clearly not what we can be, but what we would be. I am willing to fight for us, even if it is not for a year.

baby steps. we know how to take them. i just want you to be happy, so at the end of the day whether that is with me, alone, or as horribly painful and sickening as the thought is to me, with someone else, you deserve happiness. More importantly, you deserve the best, and regret so severely the moment i stopped giving it to you.