and the worst part is, i deserve it

I have never felt so lonely, isolated, guilty, stupid, selfish or helpless in my whole life.

I wish I had a way to explain how I feel, but you already know because you felt like this for so long. I know how you feel, but I also know you're strong and fed up. I betrayed your trust, broke your heart, and there is no excuse for it, so i wont make any.

I am happy, in a sense, when I am distracted. Ive been spending hours and hours just driving nowhere, finding new places, chain smoking. Night is the worst though. I always impulsively reach for my phone to tell you I love you, i miss you, good night, but i gave that up. I wish there was a way to make you believe that I underestimated how much this really hurt you. Maybe it was because we always bounced back. Now, I feel what it is like to feel like you don't want me because of something horrible I did.

You have no intentions of getting back together, so this is pointless. You probably don't even look at this anymore. If i thought you did, there is no way i could write this freely. Everytime i say something like this, its an instant push away, i know that. I figure one day, when you really wonder how I feel, that part of your heart will know to look here.

I just want to wake up with you every morning, make you coffee, smoke a cigarette. Spend the weekdays working, cooking dinner for each other, watching movies and working on art. Spend the weekends partying, but not because we are sad, but instead because we are so happy to have each other back.

Remember Genny's apartment? Tha'ts what I keep having dreams about. Maybe it's because i still have the polaroids from halloween up. I havent been able to convince myself to take the pictures down, but i've just been avoiding my room all together. Its weird, but if i sleep in sara's bed, it's bigger so it feels like it is supposed to feel empty. In my own bed, there is no excuse.

I dont care if it's minutes, weeks, months, or years from now, the minutes you decide you want to pick up your phone, or get in your car, and talk to me, or see me - god, this sounds so desperate.

I know it's impossible to believe me. I know it seems so unlikely that i could possibly be telling the truth when I say I wont hurt you again. How could I after this?

The only way I can prove that, is be faithful, wait, keep my life moving, but my heart is going to stay in the same place. I know you're trying to move on, well you are moving on, so you said, but I thought I was at one point too, and i realized I can't.

I cannot just turn my back on a mess i created. I have so much to work for, and so much time to do it. I WISH I COULD BEGIN TO EXPLAIN HOW STUPID I FEEL.

Yes, all that time you were telling me, straight away, how it was, how i was hurting you. How did i not see it?I know now, I really do, and it's too late.

I promise I am spending the days doing things for me and being happy. The nights, however, are beyond my control. I couldn't even stay at anne's house. I couldnt even walk inside, because even if it was a rough night, it was one of the last time i slept next to you.

We have spent too long feeding off of each other's hurt. I just want to feed off of each other's good.

I know it's too late, I know that. There is a part of me inside my brain, holding onto that optimism in my brain, telling me it's not that i'm too late, i'm just too early for when you might come around again.


And again, i know, I am queen of back and forth, so it's impossible for you not to think "well, when is the next time she is going to change her mind?". You don't trust me, but i mean it. This is so much different. I cannot lose you.

I suppose the only way to gain someones trust back is by keeping your word, so, i am. I am giving you space, I am crying miserably to the song you posted on your tumblr, but giving you space. I am doing things for me, I am working on myself. Just as i also promised though, I'm not filling the space in my heart where you reside. You shall see. No more, if's and or buts about it. I love you. I want you. I am stupid. I screwed up. I want to take you on an adventure and go camping and canoeing and swimming and make you dinner and give you flowers and kiss your forehead and feel safe. Until that moment, space, being productive, being happy.