so i am trying

to do a few things. Yes, again that word comes up.

I am trying to live in the present. I am trying to stop planning. I am trying to do things for myself. I am trying to give you the space that you need to function. I am trying to hold good conversations. I am trying to do sweet things for you, but with all of these something keeps getting in the way.

When i try to live in the present, everyone wants to know what i'm doing tomorrow.
When i try to stop planning, i start to feel hopeless and discombobulated.
When i try to do things for myself, i start trying so hard that i end up doing things against myself.
When i try to give you space, i am not sure when you need it.
When i try to hold good conversations, they dwindle.
When i try to do something sweet for you, later incidents cancel them out.

trytrytrytryyyy.
never do.

I wish i could simply do and forget about all of these things weighing both of us down, but you have to try something and succeed before you can say that you have actually done it. You always have to try before you can do. In this circumstance my darling, i am going to try harder than i ever have. My entire life i always just stop if something is not easily accomplished. I obviously, will not do that this time.

i have never felt so determined
to fix something
i never thought would go wrong.

i love you.
i know the things that are standing in my way and i am going to overcome them.

I suppose it's just complex when saying the same things begins to bring about? rather than comfort. I also guess I am confused about some things. Do you want spontaneity because you are bored, or looking for things to be new, when at the same time i am so afraid of change? what can i do when we have come to the end of one road and have to turn onto another? I am too known for sitting at the fork rather then choosing a direct path. I leave bread crumbs back to the old roads hoping that some day i can get back there again, knowing it was the best road i ever set foot on. I have to come to terms that the soles in the shoes i have worn on past roads are threadbare and exposing my skin. I guess i am just afraid we will venture onto a new road with rocks and nails and broken glass rather than a grassy path soft on my old soul.

I absolutely cannot stand this.

Then comes the other half of this predicament : How can we secure the same road when we cannot speak about why either of us are walking that way? We need to speak, and let our thought bubbles conjoin rather than extract bits from each other. These bits and pieces are forming all of these jumbled ideas in my mind that don't make any sense to me. I feel like we are pausing before we get a full thought because we are cushioning the idea for the other, but really all that days is fragment it. I need you to know that when i am only getting a selection of words from your thoughts, the few pieces of your thought pie, i cannot comprehend the whole. I am not getting angry at the idea, i am trying to understand. I am not getting frustrated at the things you are saying, i am getting frustrated at myself for not being able to sketch in the blanks in the big picture you are drawing out for me.

I think we need to sit down and actually talk about things. We need to nail down what is frustrating, what we don't understand. We need to do this when we have more than five minutes alone to do it. We need to get this out of the way and past this. We need to compromise on things and what we are going to do to try to fix this. I do not think we can just fix it by us both trying to do separate things when we haven't really talked about everything. I mean, i don't feel like we have loads left to discuss, but i don't want the few little things left, whatever they may be to develop into anything else. I want to pin when this started, what caused it, and how to kill it. I want to fix it.

I am sorry if i am so entirely focused on fixing it, but that's what i do. I dedicate all of my time to helping other people with things they are going through, and i am just a problem solver. It drives me crazy when i can't fix something, and this is something that i cannot fix without you. If we have qualities that are clashing, we need to figure out how they can combine without colliding.

I also feel like the last couple times we have been together we have been out and doing things, or with other people for a good percentage of it. Maybe you feel like all we ever do is stay inside, but lately it has not been like that, and i miss it.

All i want is for us to lie down in each others arms and put all of this behind us, fall asleep next to each other and wake up with everything being perfect again. I know it won't be that easy, but maybe it could be a start.