writing

writing is good.

insanity, not so much.

When did all of this start? Can i pinpoint a month, a week, a day?

Yes, i can. That day i felt like a third wheel. That was the catalyst of all of this. Perhaps, i do not know. Those feelings that day were resolved with a long conversation. They're gone and obliterated.

I AM JUST INSECURE.

That is all i am. i have this problem of picking up my life and putting it into other places, other people's stories, other events and occurrences that are in no way relevant to the life i lead.

I am trying to write. I really am. It's just not working. For me there is no escape. Writing used to be, i suppose. I tried art. I tried reading. Hell, i even went back to cutting, ashamedly, and none of the old tricks had the same fire. Every match had already been struck and the flame dwindled.

It's worse than you think. I am not eating. I am sleeping even less.
I'm scared,I'm scared of losing, i've never really been a winner. I'm afraid i'm going to lose my band, my family, and then myself. Losing myself, would mean losing you.

You see the biggest problem is notthe actual problems, it's what the problems make me feel like. I feel as if the smallest thing throws me for aloop, then i know that i'm going insane, so i worry. Then when i worry i know it's contagious, that you will worry. Then knowing that you worry makes me feel terrible, and worry more. Then i try to resolve it. Resolutions seem to be found by resolving the base problem, which is usually nothing and irrational and therefor, cannot be solved. Knowing that i cannot solve the base problem makes me feel unstable and as if everything in my life is shaking.
I guess I've got a little poetry in me.
AND IM SO IRRITATED.

everyone everywhere makes me so angry and it's so frustrating. I'm so frustrated with myself and just fed up with this person i am becoming. adsjhfasd.
The worst part is knowing everything i'm doing.

tonight i turned around and when you got in my car, it was unreal. I literally felt as if i were watching a movie.

Why do i feel this way? why am i looking into everything so fucking hard? Why do i think that everything you say sounds dismissive, like your tone sounds as if you don't want me there? Why am i making up these things? Why do i think about it none stop?

WHY DOES THERE ALWAYS HAVE TO BE SOMETHING WRONG?!

why can i not simply accept when things are sturdy and sound, when things are perfect. I've said it before, and i'll say it again..
why do i always make the problem?

answer: it's just the way i am.

why can't i change?