there are parts

of me that heal slower than others,
but most of those i have inflicted upon myself.

am i good? v2.0

yeah, i am.

having someone who is always there for you is at first a relief, then it becomes a sanctuary, but then it becomes home. You are the roof over my head keeping me from every storm. All roofs have leaks, but this is easily repaired. The skills to repair them come over time, but in this case have been acquired quickly. You will not lose them until you believe that there is no more learning or growing to do.

No one really catches site of their flaws until they are addressed to them, whether from within or from an outward source. Often this is the best thing that can happen.

A misunderstanding or miscommunication can open up doors and build brick walls in front of them. Long term, it is so much better to open a door and find out it needs to be sealed off, than to venture through that door and the various winding hallways connected. I am glad to peek through the peep holes in these doors and turn back around to arms of love, even though some of the occurrence on the other door ought not to be seen. The images that scar you are the ones you learn to avoid and the tears that haunt you become the fighting source you create maps to eliminate. Naturally, maps need to be redrawn all the time with new discoveries.

luckily, in this circumstance all roadways lead to love.

exclusively to this blog, it is so hard to see you cry. i know you feel the same about me. i felt like when i stood up to go to the bathroom i attatched your heart to may hand and dragged it out with me. i never want to feel like that again. i never want to make you feel like that again. i will never leave you, in any circumstance, not in anyway. you reached out for me and i pushed you away. i line that up with my big mistakes in life. i am never going to do that again. neither of us need our hearts drawn out and set aside, not one time, not ever again. i loev you so much, and there is nothing else i can say to explain it. there are not any metaphors or analogies i can use to put it into words because there is nothing like this, not one thing, not now, not ever.

i've gone to the dark side.

http://kelcdanmarie.tumblr.com/

my posts from now on will be here.

that is, they will be on tumblr, public, and more frequent.

a little birdy told me

that i love you.

he was very, very wise.

yearbook class.

i'm watching my teacher eat a sucker and half the students in this class work on 20 other things completely unrelated.

my teacher may persecute me for being one of them.
i am smiling thinking of the irony that would fall over us
if she were staring at her screen at this blog,
while i am staring at my sceen typing it.

this is not the point though.

my palms are sweaty and my mind is racing.
it's like there are little loops in my head and beads are
swirling like horses on a race track.

my body is tired, but my mind is so awake,
but at the same time my eyes are heavy and my
brain feels drowsy while my legs won't sit still.

i am confused. my palms are leaving hand prints that look
like soggy footprints on the computer.

i think i am just going to go pee.

today my

meds were upped.

doubled.
i start on 40 mg tomorrow.

this will either make me feel much better,

or make me feel like i am pumping myself with cocaine,
coursing through my veins as
serotonin is bumping through my brain.

i just realized

how horrible that looks. it looked better with this one;



but it wasn't really what i was going for.

i am just bored today

and i miss people.

ironic, because all i want to do is steal you away and curl up under blankets playing that game with our feet where one of us presses down and the other pushes back up.

(click to enlarge)

spent the morning

looking at college courses.


i am torn between psychology and women's study.

i will probably go for psych.
i am just getting so darn excited for next year.

here i go with that

trying thing again.


trying at a brand new day, again.


yesterday was a brief collage of crying, cuddling, puking, kissing, giant hugs and cookies.

i suppose the pros outweigh the cons. i only wish the time periods over which each took place could have been reversed.

i lost a friend yesterday, but i was reminded so vividly of the others that i have.

maybe not so new

"My parents wanted me to call and tell you that my beliefs are in heterosexuals."
"I'm done with the [drugs] lifestyle i was in and i am cutting ties with everyone in it"

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Bellini,

I hope you know that although i am gay, i have played only a positive influence on your daughter. When all of her friends were pressuring her to smoke weed and get drunk, i was telling her not to. I told her that wasting her teen years and using her age as an excuse to partake in this meaningless activities was not alright. You are about to scold me and cut me from her life, when i am the only one who has been helping her.


ps. i told your daughter to take a break from dating anyone, i never encouraged her to be gay. i told her to follow what she believes, not what i believe.

a brand new day

is what i needed.

high hopes for the outcome,
though i am wry of that.

having high hopes and expectations are the only ways to get disappointed.

instability

flashing back.

i didn't want to be dependent on medication,
but i already am.

i wanted a simple answer to the not so simple things going on in my mind,
the irrationalities, the swings, the ups, the downs.

as i'm sure you could imagine, finding a solution,
and then feeling that solution weaken only makes my paranoia in those fields grow.

i am feeling insecure again, sad, needy, paranoid, desperate, alone.
i am feeling like you are the only cure again.
i am back to finding happiness solely in your presence,
and frantically seeking it when i am elsewhere.
it scares me, because i know what that can cause.

it only triples, because i know it shouldn't feel any of it.

i feel like crying, real tears.
it's been awhile, oh, approximately a month.
i can feel it coming.

i just don't feel happy,

and for some reason the real kick in the gut is knowing that right now,

at this very second,
this very moment,
there is a select group
of people whom could actually
make me happy,
cheer me up.
only few people,
one outweighing the others.
these people equal everyone,
and while i don't feel happy,

some how everyone else is.

please don't

be mad at me because
you don't know me
as well as you wish you did.

is it really my fault?

maybe if you could make the smallest slice and open up
your big, fat, conservative christian ego
and allow your own sister to live in that world,
happily and accepted,
things would be different.

we are not the same people.
you do not know what is best for me.
how could you when you can't even come to know me?

i am sick of compartmentalizing my life and i won't do it for you anymore.
you need to realize that you can't "save" everyone because some
people see what "the light" really is.

oppression judging damnation
and discrimination.

it pains you that you think i'm going to die a sinner.
it pains me to know you are going to die before you ever live.

yesterday was

thanksgiving.
giving thanks.
giving thanks to things you are thankful for.

what am i thankful for?

the things i am thankful for are not solely celebrated one day of the year. I am thankful for the things i could never take for granted. Wouldn't that define what someone is really thankful for? if you truly appreciate something, how could it be off your mind for a second? if you really care for someone, how could you only spend that day celebrating your love?

I think everyday should be thanksgiving, but i suppose some people need a reminder.

Is it good that there are holidays where people celebrate and see their families?
or is it sad that so many people only see their families on holidays?

maybe i am torn in between because i didn't technically see mine.
i was with family, just not the biological kind.

Another note of irony liz has pointed out: Gluttony is one of the seven deadly sins. 'Nuff said on that.

i fear

the stability i had found,
was merely temporary.

i fear,
that it isn't the drugs;
it's just me.

space

dontforgetit.

i took my medication

six hours late today.


i feel like i didn't take it at all.
i had almost forgotten what it's like,
feeling like this.

almost.

i have nearly

deserted this blog.

with my emotional state finally accessing a
sturdy balance inside of me,
where are these irrelevant rants
supposed to come from?

i never thought it would break my heart
to know my back was no longer breaking.

it's interesting, really.

stages of medication

feeling like you are dying.
feeling like you are coming back to life.
feeling like you are a zombie.

all hail the living dead.

i am sorry

if talking about old stuff
like that upsets you.

it's meaningless now.
it's dust, sucked in a vacuum
and disposed of.

maybe in my mind some things make more sense
in retrospect than
they did at the time,
so i always try to explain
things again,
after the fact.

the bloom,

from the pessimist's flower.
it's growing.

i swear there are roots
shaping out negativity somewhere deep in my soul,
down in my soles.
etched in the wood carvings
that make the hollow knocking on my chest.

i swear you're the birds,
flying out of my branches, and pulling my lone leaves
up to the sky through my skull.
as rooted as i am in those underground caves,
you are pulling me up,
and making me soar.

it's weird that i didn't want to come back to my house,

because as soon as i got home,
you can guess
the first tones that were used with me,
the first type of words thrown at me.

it really makes no sense.
not one shred of sense to me; none.
i don't understand what i am doing wrong.
i don't understand why i cannot go one day without doing something to upset someone here.

playing on repeat

night.

well if ghosts never sleep,
what does that make me?
panic-stricken with grief,
or a warm cup of tea?

i said if i never sleep,
does that make me ghastly?
i tend to walking the streets:
my only imperial decree.

so if we ghosts never sleep,
why can't i hear her soliloquies?

waiting waiting

summer summer summer summer this summer sometime this summer summer summer.
summer time better in summer
summer summer
when its summer.
just wait a little longer all gone summer summer summer summer this summer summer so close summer summer just a few months summer summer less than a year to summer summer summer summer
happy happy.

good.

i didn't even think about

the comfort i get from your blogs you've posted.
the comments you've rendered on mine that are always filled with such calming words.

i never realized it's habit for me to look over those.

i didn't realize until i was momentarily panic-stricked
when
they
were
gone.

fairy tales have nothing on us.

you're one of few lost sailors left shipwrecked here today,

and i'm a lost cowgirl kicking boots with dust up in their way.

thank you.

it's refreshing to be at a point in my life, where i don't feel like i constantly have eyes undressing my mind.
it's nice to be able to breathe without feeling like people are examining how i take every breath.

i think it's really showing.

i'm still thinking about what you said yesterday
about other pretty people
with interesting features
but how none of them are, well, you know.

swooning so hard, but so tired
with a half empty yucky feeling stomach.

those things you said, were still perfect.

i was so happy

when my parents were gone.

i was so happy.

now they're back, and everything goes back to normal.
i have to get out of here sooner, i need to get out.

the formula?

what about
the
missing
variable?

you, are

the
only
exception.

iravatem

music was always something more to me.
it was like opening your eyes to find a beautiful white room with the widest windows after your eyes had only been exposed to the blackness of your eyelids for so long.
the light, the beauty of it all, extracts motions from your head, side
to side. every little note creates a thousand exotic butterflies soaring out of cracks in the walls straight into the room, rhythms like small marching mean across white floor boards.


if only everyone could see the pictures i see when i hear the music.
i see movies, i see facial expressions,
lost souls clinging to branches in far off forests.
broken hearts repairing themselves in chests and lungs filling with new breath.
ideas literally flowing from hands, crawling out of fingernails and dancing across paper.
scientific discoveries being made as a scientist looks up at a sky, to realize it's the lab he's been trapped in for years waiting for the one moment.


i see people alone, with views swirling around them, wind in curly hair, eyes shut, arms down but out.
i see grey skies with white lights.
i hear sighs and footsteps and emptiness.
i can feel the panic, the necessity, the steady steady flowing of those words from fingernails, even when there are no words at all.

for once, and only once in this sole circumstance i cannot explain in words what i am seeing in my head. rather than words being an escape, they are trapping me. I'm surrounded by letters and junctions that mean nothing.

It is far to hard to explain the shiver running down my arms, across my spine.

you can't even say it. you have to feel it.

These moments, these moments... i could live in them.

oh no

my journal
is
missing.
in
action.

no one can be trusted.

actually. i think i left it in math.

now without anyone peering over my shoulder

i cannot wait.

tonight will be bliss.
Perhaps i shouldn't be updated my blog at school, but if i don't i know these emotions will just explode out of me at some point anyway.
Who knows? That could disrupt a class.

I really do think i could do this school some good though. I look around every class room and see these big, ignorant faces with eyes that are yet to be open wide and see the truth. These children are sheltered. Not everyone, but so many of the people here are angry with what they don't know, are scared because they don't understand it, but also narrowminded and therefor won't learn.

I feel like that little frog who sat croaking in a bog all alone at night. Everyone hears him, but no one really knows what he is saying. Everyone hears him going on and on and on; they don't try to listen, they just wish he would shut up.

8 hours.

only 8 hours.


cannot wait cannot waitcannot wait cannot waitcannot wait cannot waitcannot wait cannot waitcannot wait cannot waitcannot wait cannot waitcannot wait cannot waitcannot wait cannot waitcannot wait cannot waitcannot wait cannot wait
cannot wait cannot wait
cannot wait cannot wait
cannot wait cannot waitcannot wait cannot waitcannot wait cannot waitcannot wait cannot waitcannot wait cannot waitcannot wait cannot waitcannot wait cannot waitcannot wait cannot waitcannot wait cannot waitcannot wait cannot waitcannot wait cannot waitcannot wait cannot wait.

yeah.

the thing i hate

about this blog is that i know you will read it, but i never know when.

it's good and bad at the same time.
so hard to explain. it leaves a bit of how it was before you knew i had this blog there,
but at the same time i never know if you have read something.
then after a certain amount of time i think you must know, but i don't know if you know for sure, and then i don't know how you feel about anything that i've said.

i don't even know how you feel about this blog, haha.
i think you said before it helps you understand me, give you more of an incite into me.
sometimes i wonder if that's too much, if sometimes it's just too much.

but like i said, i just don't know.

Dearest Darling,

i know you don't want to hear any of this,

but maybe seeing it is slightly different.

I told laura i was confused by what she said, even before i talked to you. She apologized over and over, which i got last night. She said that what she was talking about was months ago. I think she meant longer than months, but a year ago feels almost like days. I know they've been dating longer than we have by a little bit, so i know what she is talking about was then, if she was even udner the right impression in the first place. I know since we have been together you haven't gotten your old case of girl a.d.d., and it's been the same here of course, pleasantly focused.

I know this, i truly do, which is why i didn't flinch when someone told me that you told weslie you missed her or some stupid shit a few months ago. Also, i know that's why i didn't flinch before that when you said the name "Alex" in your sleep (granted i was a little uneasy, but it was gone as soon as i fell asleep). There are things that i have thrown in the trashcan before i had a second chance to worry. I'm not sure you know that, or if you (understandably) think maybe i react the same to everything. I promise you, i don't. I have even had stupid people i don't know, and i'mpretty sure you don't even know make up lies about you and other girls (one claiming something went on a day and at a time that WE were actually together). Myspace drama, lies, rumors. Why didn't i mention these things? I wasn't keeping them from you. I knew they were stupid, dumb, and they would only upset you. I saw no reason for them to upset you when they were little nothing's.

I'm sorry if keeping any of that inside was the wrong thing to do. I honestly don't know if it was, or if it was not. Maybe some clarification sometime would help, but i don't even know when you will read this.

Another thing i do know is that the only reason laura was so unwilling to give me a chance is because you don't like lindsay (so she told me). She said she was being immature, childish, and she's sorry. She also said she couldn't keep it up because she actually likes me, haha. I explained i had those first few days of liking you insecurities and never had a chance to get to know her after that, so those were the only feelings i had toward her and that i was being just as childish. Now the only reason these conversations have continued with Laura, is because we want to be ok with each other, even better, we want to be friends. We both knw that we both mean a lot to you , only in different ways, and we both knew things were weird between us, and that makes it hard for you. Neither of us want that, so we abolished it.

The conversation led to talking about old people and good names. Perhaps you would have rather had the entire thing avoided, but i hope that you would be happy that Laura and i are becoming more acquainted.


I also hope that whether you see it or not, these are the ways you are making me a better person. I would not have gone out of my way to be acquainted with laura on my own, neither of us would have. I wanted to do that, because i know she means a lot to you, and i know you are a big part of her life. I don't want to come between the friendship you guys have now.

I love you, and i would do anything, no matter how big or small, to take one teensy ounce of stress or worry or frustration away. I do everything i do with good intentions, sometimes i just have to let time make a lamp so everyone can see them.

and all i'm asking of you is one little thing,

open up your eyes,
so see how i wear this thin
disguise
that i have weathered myself so well in
theses lies
that i have painted upon my skin.

i don't want to be quite so far in.

but i'm not sure, how to come out.


(meant to be sung)

almost there

The last day of summer is approaching. 18 minutes, 24 hours until it's all over...

I understand the end.
I comprehend the end.
I really get the end.

Can I find the new beginning?

i cannot explain

how much i love this song,
nor how much it mean(t)(s) to me.

i know i'm silly sometimes

and i'm sorry if it irritates you,
or it's the one part of me you don't like.

regardless, it's part of me.


i also have another part that overcomes it very quickly, hopefully that counters it in your eyes too.


this house is no home. i'm just a straggler here. ready to come home.

right now, and for a long time.

to be quite honest

it eats me up when you call other people bby.
when you tell other people you miss them so much, and love them just the same.

it does. eats up all of my insides, spits them up in front of me only so i can see how shredded they are.

why doe sit do this? i don't know. maybe i felt as if those names and phrases were reserved for me, and seeing you say them to someone else, and so publicly, pulls and stabs.

obviously not i love you's and i miss you's entirely. it wasn't what you said so much as the way you said it, the way you say it to me. just like that day, you used the smile you use with me and the laugh and the tone of voice i only see directed toward me.

i still hate that day. the entire day, until we sat out and talked for hours. i repress the rest of it. i know we talked bout it, but it doesn't change how i had felt before hand. i felt like the third wheel. i felt like i shouldn't have been there.


it's not intentional, it's just instinct. you know how that goes.


i love you, we're solid. don't think for a second that i'm shaking (:

and i tell myself

Don't lose your thoughts, yours ideals, your passion, your dreams or your unique sense of self to the turning heads and the pointing finger. Ignore the whispers you cannot hear and turn a blind eye to the drivers steering the wrecking ball into your life. When everything is done crashing, don't recall how you stood motionless, remember how you gave them a chance to stop.

And when this is all over, you were the good person. You won't play the victim, but when you are favored, it will always look that way.

ps. stop acting like an ass because you don't have to worry about other people. this change doesn't give you an excuse to be a bitch.

oh . oh . however red your blankettttsss

school starts for you, well technically today.

I do not. really have a dominant emotion. No string of words particularly connecting like pearls on a necklace to be said. I just felt like writing, but with nothing to say i suppose that becomes a little hard to manage. I am carrying on well about having nothing to write about surprisingly. It is like eating when you are not hungry; you can cook the food, but eating is a whole new thing.

That sounds like the causes for frustrations encountered this week, if you get what i mean.

teehee :)

it's time to smile and relax

this is the end of the war,

and the start of my life.

i have never felt so empowered by my own words.

hmmm.

i've been creepin' on your pictures.

yup. gotta get mah fix.
you would think i had it already.


i am back to the days where 24 hours is not enough.
neither is 29.
i could have gone for 32.

i can't even stay upset

because basically it needed to be this way.

except they didn't need to be dicks about it.

i'm free.
no more hiding.

we're free.

so we'll keep on keeping on

it's been so short but this week felt so long.
so we'll keep on keeping on,
until we're done.



I wrote those words after we had been a band for a week. I thought it would last. I thought we would amount to something. She shouldn't be singing those words. I'm sorry, she just shouldn't.



they changed the words, to wrong. i guess that's how they feel.

meine perfekt freundin

I cannot even explain
how _____ it feels when
you
kiss me.

oh i shouldnt

post blogs when i first wake up anymore.

why did i question it?

i could feel it.

(:

losing teeth

i keep losing all o fmy teeth in my dreams.
slowly they fall out.
last night my mouth was too swollen to spit them out.
they hardly wiggle with my tongue, and then fall right out.


teeth falling out in dreams mirrors helplessness and anxiety in a real life situation.


i felt as if your flame sparked the tiniest bit. you wanted to kiss me. you kissed me. it was wonderful, it was glorious. i felt little lights ricocheting from my lips to yours.

i am hoping that's the way it is. i hope you were not only excited because you got your license. not to say that isn't exciting, you know i don't mean it like that. i am saying i hope that wasn't spilling over into your almost empty cup of us. maybe it did, maybe it played as a reminder. I also hope, you weren't forcing it.

I don't expect things to get fixed and back to perfection overnight. I hope you didn't take it that way when i said things were back to normal. I expect some things we will have to work on. I expect it may take a little time. I hope it will be fixed before you go to school though. If it isn't fixed one hundred percent, it doesn't matter. You won't be too far away.

twelve-thousand weights off my shoulders

I only hope they are truly lifted, rather than hovering a few inches, weights prepared to drop at a seconds notice.

I only hope you will tell me when i am a little too much, when your glass of me is about to overfill so we can avoid that big mess that no amount of paper towels can properly clean up; a mess better dealt with by blowing noses into tissues.

No more tissues, aside from those used to mop up joyful tear drops.
Sometimes it takes quite a bit to keep both of us from weeping, but that's the way we work. We are not a machine. We cannot oil ourselves up and expect everything to run smoothly. We have to macgyver around the kinks and jump through hoops. Let's keep looking on the bright side though, we have all of the necessary tools and our hoops aren't burning.

As far as the other flame goes, every fire burns brighter with a little kindling, i think we had that today. Now, we all know a fire cannot survive on this alone. As long as we tend to the flame, we can keep it lit. We just have to be careful. If we let it go out again, it could be raining, or there may be no matches in sight.

I now really see quite clear why love can be referred to as a flame. The warmth from the first initial burst. The cold when wind storms blow through. The fear of stepping too close to the fire. Most importantly, the fear of letting it go out. Any fire or flame or love can be trampled out. Any fire or flame or love or spark can be stopped in it's track.

Not every love has two attendees, guarding and watching the flame, tending to withering sparks and illuminating the night sky with orange flames licking the darkness. I am proud of us, to see our hands intertwined around gasoline cans and an abundance of firewood. We just need to make sure we use what we have.

uh oh

i regret this.

i write to vent.
to get any train of thought out of my head.
i don't even reread.
i just post.
i'm rereading now, half of that is absurd.

was i crying in my sleep?

it sure felt like it when i woke up..


i had the worst dream i have ever had. Worse than my dreams at cornerstone. Worse than my series of Laura Edwards dreams. Worst than all of those put together.


Why was it so hard?

I get a call from you, telling me you want to to the right thing. Then you wont answer my calls, when you told me to call you back. You send me straight to your voice mail. You text me and tell me you're sorry. I tell you "don't apologize, what's wrong?". Somehow you are where I am. I have to look you in the face and see you say "I have another girlfriend".

I ask you if you are going to break up with her, and you say no. I tell i would forgive you and never bring it up again if it ended. You looked at me with disgust. I ask you if you love her. You tell me yes. I ask if you love me. You shake your head no.

I woke up reaching for you because i forgot i wasn't there. I can't go back to sleep. I'm so tired.

Why do i always have these horrible dreams? I think they are brought on by worries or stress.



Why would i be worried? I am so afraid to tell you. I feel like all i do is make you mad lately. I feel like there are little things that you don't tell me about that upset you, and then sometimes they build up.

Half of the time i was with you in
the last two days i felt like a nuisance.

I am not trying to make you feel bad. I don't want to make you angry.

All i want to do is sit down and talk about everything before you go to school. I want to make sure every little thing is cleared up before you leave. I can't stand the idea of us having a little problem while you are away. I am so afraid that this won't happen though. I know it's not how you are wired, and i would never ask you to change, but i wish you would open up more. I know you are capable of doing it. I don't want a patch of issues to pop up again.

Maybe you are thinking that everything already is cleared up. I thought so too but if this were the case then neither of us would have been upset on tuesday. A lot of the time i feel like i am causing all of the problems, because i actually tell you when something is bothering me. I can't keep doing that if it keeps making you and and you aren't willing to listen and talk about it. I only tell you so we can demolish it in its tracks.

When something is bothering you, i don't even know until you say it in response to something that is bothering me. It makes me feel like shit, because i know things would have been different, for both of us if we actaully talked about things.


I feel like you are even going to get upset reading this, and it scares me.


I'm scared that lately somethign is changes in the way you feel, not necessarily about me, but something. It eats at me because usually i know just what's going on, and i right now i have no idea.
I'm scared that you think that i act too young. I feel like you feel like you are so much older than me. Maybe i am completely imagining that.
I'm scared that you are getting bored with me, that you want to be doing things with other people because doing nothing is getting old.

I know we look at a lot of things differently, and like you said that's hwere we need to compromise. How can we compromise if we don't know how the other person is seeing things.

oh my god.


i hate myself for this. I sound controlling. I sound like i am triyng to mak ethis relationship fit inside a tiny box. Why is it that i can't sit back and just do nothing? Why can't i just let what will happen, happen. I feel like me trying to fix things further aggitates you and makes things worse.


this is all because of that fucking dream. I hate the way my mind works.

And i'm sorry that i just want to know. I want to get back in your mind and know you as well as i used to, because predicting your habits and seeing you talk aren't the same as knowing how you feel.

dear delta delta

Deleting that comment i left was dumb. I was just letting you guys know. It wasn't a mean comment, i was just trying to inform you that she knew the whole truth, all of it. She knows that you guys didn't want anyone to come out and say the whole of it, which is why it's hinting not saying.

Sorry if you took it the wrong way. :/

If you deleted it to keep people from finding me, like the top friends removal thing in the beginning, it's not working. If people are asking, I'm telling them just what i told Andrew i was telling them. If they are people i know, I'm letting them know exactly what happened. Both sides, unbiased. Trust me, it puts it more on me than it does on you. Like a said, a lot of people can't understand because we have a lot of people who don't really stand for what they stand for, so seeing people continue to do that creates conflict with them. I'm not judging these people, it's just an observation about how some people live.


You know i love you guys all to death, and i wish things were still going the way we had originally intended them too. I am not going to turn people against you, I'm not going to try to paint a picture that you are horrible people. This was caused by something that i can't change in my heart, and it's a simple disagreement.

As far everyone else, i really hope they come to see how things really are with all of us. I WANT THEM TO KNOW THERE IS NO BAD GUY IN THIS SITUATION.

I love you guys, and i wouldn't trade you for the world, but i guess i have to.

-kelc.

ps. please don't let their disputes and their anger become our anger and our disputes. I care about you all too much for that.

im not exactly taking this

as well as it seems.


you know what?


I am not going to let them use me, and walk all over me and penetrate open sores on my body anymore. If they aren't going to cooperate with me and do this the way we all agreed prior to, then i am not going to cooperate either.

I won't let them tear me to shreds any further. What's mine is mine, and what you haven't got out of me, i am not going to fork over to rise while my ashes fly off. No guts no glory, and
this is about to be a fucking massacre.

didn't make the cut.

All over the curves in the road that my life has ventured on and every wrong turn, my path has been documented in songs and letters and journals. Why I've kept these things? I don't know. Why I have felt a necessary need to cling to the past and keep this tight grasp on everything joyous I come in contact to? I don't know. I dwell in the past, i wrap myself in the present, and i dread the future. It's about time for a big change.

so seriously

shit's about to change.


updating myspace page and blah blah blah, thought i might document the old.

I promise I'm nice and i pretty much like everyone unless you screw me over, but even then i won't do anything about it. I try to be nice and sincere with everyone, but sometimes i get really busy. This makes a lot of people think I'm conceited and full of myself. I also promise this is not the case. If i ever sound that way, just give me a good kick in the shin or slap in the face, because i never want to be that kind of person.

I believe that no one should change who they are, whether it is to be similar to someone OR to differ from them. Do not alter yourself to fall into another's path, or out of your own to avoid a similar route. In each circumstance, it is equally absurd to change who you really are.


(this was already posted once)

I am beginning to see life as a thing to cherish and live out, rather than a task to perform. I think people get stuck in phases that rotate on carousels, seeing the same things, the same places, the same turn. You don't really realize that you're spinning until your head gets sick and your stomach starts throbbing. Oh, and when you realize you can't get off. Then again, who wants to leave what they know and jump into the swirling backdrop of their life. I did. Now i see things a little more clearly.


-k.


Who I would like to Meet:
Everyone who will let me get close enough to

sigh part 2; the bad kind.

i cannot find Middlesex.
It's story distracts me so well,
and your picture as my bookmark keeps my mind form wandering to places it ought not to be.

I miss you terribly. Tonight was bad.

Tonight was really bad.

i dont think

there can be a smooth transition.

i think it just has to end.

they can make me leave

but they sure as hell cannot tell me how to do it.

200th post

and they've almost all been about you.

sometimes i wonder if you ever miss anyone.

if you have ever had one single thought about someone else while we have been in a relationship.

i wonder if there has been that one person you felt bad about that one conversation because you knew you were being flirtatious, and you know that's what they wanted.

sometimes i wonder these things, but not enough anymore for it to be a problem.

im sitting in your room by myself, wondering these things, and i feel so inclined to snoop.

at the beginning of our relationship, i know i probably would of, i am ashamed to say.

i am proud now to say, that i would never do that. the first thing i did was sign you off myspace (ok so that was to check mine, but i could never invade privacy like that anyway), and now i am sitting reading like a good girl and not giving the journals you keep in your drawer a second thought.

i am proud to say that i love you, and i trust you, and the past does not matter, and just for the sake of it, i opened the draw just so i could shut it hard and know that i am perfectly ok not even touching them. I am proud to know that i have overcome all of those jealous curious feelings, and am 100% content knowing the things you decide to tell me.

i do not know if this will make you mad, that these thoughts even apear, or if it will bring you comfort at how quickly i shut them out. I did not even have to try to forget about them, i just did it, because they are silly now to the point where i laugh at my wandering mind like a child's imagination. I love you, and that is what matters. Let the tag on the sunflowers be that constant reminder (:

it is done.

we will all pretend it is temporary.
we will all pretend that we will come back together.
we will all hold our heads high and say our family is not falling apart.

we will all act this way, until the rest of the truth comes out.

So for the first time i can openly and publicly on this blog say that i am gay, and now the the band knows, we are looking for my replacement. I am going to teach this new girl how to sing, write, talk and walk the way i do, only a little different. This new girl will fill all the gaps i will leave in your photos. She will be at all of the shows. She will try to win over the fans. She won't stand up for herself or fight because she will want it so badly. She will be a Christian. She will always be on time. She might even have a little blue hair, i mean it is the trademark.

She however, will not have my heart. She will not have my love. She will not have my passion and my commitment. She won't have the most ridiculous things happen to her on the way to every practice and cause her to be an hour late. She won't connect with the fans the way i did. She won't sing the lyrics that i wrote, the way they were meant to be sung. She won't be singing for us, she will be singing for her. She won't want to build what we have, she will just want what we have to be hers. She won't have my sense of humor. She won't know our inside jokes. She won't know how much t-shirts are and when it's ok to to cut someone a deal. She won't know your girlfriends. She won't know who has been coming to our shows since the beginning. She won't be able to tell when one of you two are going to mess up on a harmony becuase of the way you sang the line before. She won't know when andrew is about to go off beat and stay in time with him. She won't flail her arms around and make ridiculous hand motions the entire show. She won't have your stories, your history, your families. She won't have my smile or my laugh. She won't have my brain or my skin or my red toes or my little thumbs. She won't cause conflict when soemthings wrong, because she will think it's right. She won't always tell the truth, because she won't know what is ok to say and what isn't. She actually, won't be anything like me.

And no, she won't be gay either... and that's what matters most to you, isn't it?

if i am so ok with this, if i know it's the right thing to do, why am i crying? Why do i feel like i just gave up one of the only two solid things in my life? When did doing the right thing, and standing up for what you believe in start to hurt so bad.

why does it have to be like this?

so now

it's the morning and i'm waking up and i'm feeling good.

Maybe I'm wrong about these long talks. You are right about not talking 24/7, i think we both see that now. Things are starting to feel better to me.

but more importantly, Jim is on speaker phone with someone who keeps putting him on hold and playing polyphonic Beatles songs while he is waiting.

Friday, July 10th, 2009

I was just starting to get happy.

I don't want anything to change.



what a fucking death wish.

so i am trying

to do a few things. Yes, again that word comes up.

I am trying to live in the present. I am trying to stop planning. I am trying to do things for myself. I am trying to give you the space that you need to function. I am trying to hold good conversations. I am trying to do sweet things for you, but with all of these something keeps getting in the way.

When i try to live in the present, everyone wants to know what i'm doing tomorrow.
When i try to stop planning, i start to feel hopeless and discombobulated.
When i try to do things for myself, i start trying so hard that i end up doing things against myself.
When i try to give you space, i am not sure when you need it.
When i try to hold good conversations, they dwindle.
When i try to do something sweet for you, later incidents cancel them out.

trytrytrytryyyy.
never do.

I wish i could simply do and forget about all of these things weighing both of us down, but you have to try something and succeed before you can say that you have actually done it. You always have to try before you can do. In this circumstance my darling, i am going to try harder than i ever have. My entire life i always just stop if something is not easily accomplished. I obviously, will not do that this time.

i have never felt so determined
to fix something
i never thought would go wrong.

i love you.
i know the things that are standing in my way and i am going to overcome them.

I suppose it's just complex when saying the same things begins to bring about? rather than comfort. I also guess I am confused about some things. Do you want spontaneity because you are bored, or looking for things to be new, when at the same time i am so afraid of change? what can i do when we have come to the end of one road and have to turn onto another? I am too known for sitting at the fork rather then choosing a direct path. I leave bread crumbs back to the old roads hoping that some day i can get back there again, knowing it was the best road i ever set foot on. I have to come to terms that the soles in the shoes i have worn on past roads are threadbare and exposing my skin. I guess i am just afraid we will venture onto a new road with rocks and nails and broken glass rather than a grassy path soft on my old soul.

I absolutely cannot stand this.

Then comes the other half of this predicament : How can we secure the same road when we cannot speak about why either of us are walking that way? We need to speak, and let our thought bubbles conjoin rather than extract bits from each other. These bits and pieces are forming all of these jumbled ideas in my mind that don't make any sense to me. I feel like we are pausing before we get a full thought because we are cushioning the idea for the other, but really all that days is fragment it. I need you to know that when i am only getting a selection of words from your thoughts, the few pieces of your thought pie, i cannot comprehend the whole. I am not getting angry at the idea, i am trying to understand. I am not getting frustrated at the things you are saying, i am getting frustrated at myself for not being able to sketch in the blanks in the big picture you are drawing out for me.

I think we need to sit down and actually talk about things. We need to nail down what is frustrating, what we don't understand. We need to do this when we have more than five minutes alone to do it. We need to get this out of the way and past this. We need to compromise on things and what we are going to do to try to fix this. I do not think we can just fix it by us both trying to do separate things when we haven't really talked about everything. I mean, i don't feel like we have loads left to discuss, but i don't want the few little things left, whatever they may be to develop into anything else. I want to pin when this started, what caused it, and how to kill it. I want to fix it.

I am sorry if i am so entirely focused on fixing it, but that's what i do. I dedicate all of my time to helping other people with things they are going through, and i am just a problem solver. It drives me crazy when i can't fix something, and this is something that i cannot fix without you. If we have qualities that are clashing, we need to figure out how they can combine without colliding.

I also feel like the last couple times we have been together we have been out and doing things, or with other people for a good percentage of it. Maybe you feel like all we ever do is stay inside, but lately it has not been like that, and i miss it.

All i want is for us to lie down in each others arms and put all of this behind us, fall asleep next to each other and wake up with everything being perfect again. I know it won't be that easy, but maybe it could be a start.

writing

writing is good.

insanity, not so much.

When did all of this start? Can i pinpoint a month, a week, a day?

Yes, i can. That day i felt like a third wheel. That was the catalyst of all of this. Perhaps, i do not know. Those feelings that day were resolved with a long conversation. They're gone and obliterated.

I AM JUST INSECURE.

That is all i am. i have this problem of picking up my life and putting it into other places, other people's stories, other events and occurrences that are in no way relevant to the life i lead.

I am trying to write. I really am. It's just not working. For me there is no escape. Writing used to be, i suppose. I tried art. I tried reading. Hell, i even went back to cutting, ashamedly, and none of the old tricks had the same fire. Every match had already been struck and the flame dwindled.

It's worse than you think. I am not eating. I am sleeping even less.
I'm scared,I'm scared of losing, i've never really been a winner. I'm afraid i'm going to lose my band, my family, and then myself. Losing myself, would mean losing you.

You see the biggest problem is notthe actual problems, it's what the problems make me feel like. I feel as if the smallest thing throws me for aloop, then i know that i'm going insane, so i worry. Then when i worry i know it's contagious, that you will worry. Then knowing that you worry makes me feel terrible, and worry more. Then i try to resolve it. Resolutions seem to be found by resolving the base problem, which is usually nothing and irrational and therefor, cannot be solved. Knowing that i cannot solve the base problem makes me feel unstable and as if everything in my life is shaking.
I guess I've got a little poetry in me.
AND IM SO IRRITATED.

everyone everywhere makes me so angry and it's so frustrating. I'm so frustrated with myself and just fed up with this person i am becoming. adsjhfasd.
The worst part is knowing everything i'm doing.

tonight i turned around and when you got in my car, it was unreal. I literally felt as if i were watching a movie.

Why do i feel this way? why am i looking into everything so fucking hard? Why do i think that everything you say sounds dismissive, like your tone sounds as if you don't want me there? Why am i making up these things? Why do i think about it none stop?

WHY DOES THERE ALWAYS HAVE TO BE SOMETHING WRONG?!

why can i not simply accept when things are sturdy and sound, when things are perfect. I've said it before, and i'll say it again..
why do i always make the problem?

answer: it's just the way i am.

why can't i change?

3/23/09

Note: I wrote this awhile ago, and post it hesitantly, but do keep in mind this is fiction and all parts resembling reality are merely inspiration.

She spent the weekend on ice, not in the bad way though. She was not slipping and falling at every turn. Rather, she was gracefully drifting through each situation which presented itself to her.
Friday went the fastest. With work ending four or five hours early (who's counting?),a cigarette on the ride home and a forbidden call wading through the receiver on her phone. She slept her version of sleeping and wept her version of crying. Lying awake and watching the clock flick by in numerical responses, the greatest killer she knew. Even living was a form of suicide if you let time kill you.
Awaking from nothing and jumping into the same thing, an uneventful day. A stage presence amplified and a mic too loud. These things are her life. These things make her happy. A smile on her face was a mere mirror image, the horizontally placed mirrors showing the merge of grace, resulting in a faulty frown. She was displeased with herself for longing for the affection she had long displaced to escape from. His silence was deserved, and desolate.No type of liquid passion, even the thin vapors of his delusive acceptance, could not fill the insides of her bones. Her plastered marrow was preserved, but loosely knit. Every shift of weight and every step would shake the demode dust in her .
"My bones cry out aching, dry and breaking." She said it aloud. No one so much as twitched in response. Dry as a desert, she deserted contemporary means.
The drive home was long. The sky was perfected in tones that even she could appreciate. Each star a melodic pluck on the lines of the harp set in the sky, reverberating against the shade of the sky, an open space between strings.

The next day the rolling of the tires beneath her felt routine, and so soon. Another day, another place, another song, ten more faces to remember and names to forget.
Seeing the broken down one room school filled her heart with pings of hope.


Her downfall was inevitable. It is quite the wonder how it was all documented, though none took noticed. An excerpt from her journal is all it would have taken to open the blindest eyes to light.
"If all sin shall be repent and washed away, save for blasphemy and the sins I have encompassed myself in, then why try to wash clean the dirt from my face? If I am the damned, then who is foolish enough to repent a lost cause? If I am lost, why should i search for a map that God's rage has burned in the Hell He created? All men are apt to sin and the sin I'm in, Oh the sin I'm in. Shall I not try to wade my way past clouds to Heaven's gates with sin around my knees as thick as murkish moss water? Why, God, would You encourage the lost to stay lost? Why woudl You, God, dispel mistakes to a permanent board. Why, God, are you keeping score when we believe our sins to be erased? Why have You damned me?"


The one room school house was boarded up for the most part. A broken window was visible and vines crept up each side, surpassing perfect opportunities to break in. One step left the way into the door, though completely unnecessary. The field around was plowed and forgotten. The high school is still directly across the road, oddly placed in the surrounding champaign. The very first time she ever passed the original school house, ideas pervaded through her body. A rope, and god willing a rafter to hang it from. She was never a boy scout, so the knots may be a trick; but a noose did not have to be perfect. The boards would remain up. The body would appear as a trick of the eyes to the cars which passed, a vine misplaced, an old board falling to the ground.
She grew giddy over discussing the hunt for her body with herself. Would they think she had run away? Would they think she was kidnapped?
Perhaps a pair of wide eyed lovers would make their way into the room, looking for fulfilling love and finding a hollowed out neck. How long would her body swing? Who would notice her absence first? How the world would shake at the news and the hypocrisy.

A smile spread across her face, revealing teeth crooked with compassion for the imperfect.
These things are her life. These things make her happy.

There are two ways this story ends. She pleads for the first. The thoughts consuming her until she makes her way to the one room school house, and attaches herself to the building where her thoughts were left.

The other is the reality of it all.
Who would be the first to notice her absence? She knew.

She was glad. She loved you.

You kept her sane.

Don't you dare leave.

you see

i dont have anyone else.
i dont have anyone to knock on my door
or hang out with when you are not here.
i have given everyone i had like that, up for you.
i
have
no
one
except
for
you.


and that's the hardest part.

and yea, its still unhealthy.
im crying
and im pissed
all because you have
other people in your life.

im not good for you, im not.

the only reason

i am not happy here.
in my house.
is because i am hiding.

i am so sick
of hiding.

it isn't your fault

and i would never really say it
because there was nothing that
you could have really done,
but i just needed you last night
and you were
nowhere
to be
found.

today was almost ok.

until i got home.
being sick all day was fine.
being alone all day was almost enjoyable (could have used the obvious presence of one).
working was necessary.
drive home was not so shabby.

coming home was another story.
drunk adults ar ento so great.
food a mess all over the counter, the table.
nothing for me to eat.
not even a vegetarian feel good meal, just bread.

oh and the real kicker?
half of my family will probably be unemployed by the month if RC's shuts down.
there goes my mother's job.
there goes my sister(who also just found out her college loans didn't actually go through)'s job.
my stepfather is retired.
i apparently spend way too much money.







although i am picking up extra hours, even spending my own money on gas will seem like a burden if my family doesn't have any money.
i have no idea what we will do.
i have the type of family, who cannot be happy without money.. it is quite sad.
i could be ok, but i could not live and see my family in torment like that.

My mother built a life from nothing, lost it all and started over again. She does not deserve to start from scratch again. I have taken for granted the life that i have always had. I feel that everything is about to change. One by one secrets are coming out, families will fall apart and relationships abolished.

I was just starting to get happy.

I don't want anything to change.

notes i've been keeping.

"I've managed to exit atop this hill with no lifeline or life support. the people flood past to the front of the stage and i sit still. they are flowing rivers, i am a stopped dam. my life is not present, but my heart pumps, my organs function. i am alive, but i am not living. though i can live without you, i would never try. though i could survive without you, i woudl always want to die."

"indie community sings me to sleep"

"will i wake to find you waiting by my bedside.."
-copeland

"tree painting with pin ons"

"the rocket summer + mayday parade = etna green"

"i've got a gift for making people fall for me: i only publicize this in hope it will alter the charm"

"hoosier racing tires"

i have been absent

for over two weeks.

on vacation and reunited with pencils and paper, i began writing again in every location possible.
my pull to the computer has dwindled and i am finding it hard to even begin to express the things i have been feeling the past couple weeks. I can however, retype them.

"Inhibition seems to be lost with childhood, then gradually regained with age. Shame it's not a quality that sticks...

My expectations were low, but the minor dances have reinstated points of my faith in society. Dance on, please. Dance on."

"Why am I so nervous?
... because you look at her the way i wish you looked at me and i just don't get it."

Our long long talk. Ohhh, our wires were buzzing. There have only been a few of these great, deep talks, but when they occur you have no idea how wonderful they make me feel. My insides soar about the prolonged exchange of words. Even if they do not happen as often as they could, knowing these conversations are bubbling inside us and could break into a rolling boil at any time excites me. We have everything I have ever wanted, and a few points more I would have never succeeded in imagining. This night was my favorite. Yes, it could have happened anywhere, but it didn't. It happened when i was feeling weak and vulnerable. We had this conversation at the perfect moment. The level we do not usually connect on, sparked and ignited and made a warm glowing fire inside me that flickered all night.

"I am 17. Seventeen: I've only just passed through the shallow end of my life's pool, but I'm already drowning. As I'm breaking surface and gasping for one, miniscule wisp of oxygen to satisfy my lungs, the h2o pervades. It spreads through the outside of my repiratory system, slinking by the mucus in my lung cavity as if it were oil. The extra weight creates a pressure worse than driving through the mountains or the force of a boulder on a broken legs. Such. Huge. Pains.
When you are younger, everything seems magnificently LARGE. From those giant Sunday brunch waffles to the firetrucks downtown, straight up to the skyscrapers you ventured upon in New York City with your Father a month before terrorists hijacked planes to fly off course and crash straight into their towering beauty. As you grow older, these things sometimes change; you begin to want more. "More waffles pleeeaasee!" you would say to your mother on Sunday. "More fire and excitement!" you would cry at the idle firetruck in which your interest has faded. As far as those towers went, my god they were massive, but other gods wanted them down. It is amazing how simultaneuosly you grow and everything else around you shrinks. the roads, the love, the awareness.
The passion and inspiration were always your tallest towers, but they too have been exterminated. Some of these things that hover, then shrink change you, like a piece of melting plastic. You warp into the appropriate shape, depending on the lick of the flames. You would think your life's pool would put these out, but not only is the water in your lungs, it's in the fire. As aspects of life begin to change, and (presumably) inevitably shrink, your pool grows. Your life gets deeper, wider (or maybe even more narrow) and the calm of the water turns off.
The whirlpool struggle begins.
You turn 12 and realize our blood is glowing into the the water. You turn 15.5 andthe pool widens vertically. You turn 16 and try a few backstrokes. When 17 hits you, you realize you are in the fucking ocean.
Suuuuuure, I have a life raft and the most beautiful hands I've ever held there to pull me out, but I realized I have been making a terrible mistake. As the pressure increased I franticly swam for the surface, i swear i was so close, then somehow my head hit coral and sand then broke into two pieces, rather than breaking the surface. I KEEP SWIMMING DOWN.
I suppose at this point, coral-rock bottom, you only have so many choices.
1. Give up.
2. Die.
3. Swallow, quick. Breathe in.
4.Run?
5.Jump, push, cry, fret.
6.Swim.

Aside from these responses, I have chosen another. I will not indulge in death. There goes 1,2,3. I cannot run away from this water. I won't fret any longer. I could swim, but my effort is lost. I would rather

Float Out of my ocean.

leaving my double life and split head behind me."

"I will not resist anymore. It is time to harness my ideas and put them to work, my work. Though, my hands do not captivate the beauty of my mind, so intrinsic."



As for the current, how am I doing? How am I personally holding up? I dunno. The break with the band is serving well. That spilt in my head has severed off and the other side is starting to patch itself, like and earth worm of sorts. What happens when the break is over though? I do not think i will ever be ready for it to end, the break or the band.

Wishing my words would collide.
and reminding myself to be careful what i wish for.


Oh forget it. Offff to the zoooo tomorrow!

Can I say something? (bulletin)

without sounding rude or mean?

I like to think i never do wrong to anyone and live by the golden rule. There are a lot of people (many I've never really met) who seem to think i am obnoxious and totally stuck up. I'm not sure where this opinion is coming from, but i really would like to know. Now I'm not asking for responses saying i am the sweetest person ever, because i know we all have our days, but what am i doing that is presenting this idea to everyone?

If i have ever said or done something to you that made you feel like I am a total snob for any reason, CALL ME OUT ON IT right now! This isn't an attention cry or a plea for respect, just a chance to possibly redeem myself for things I am unaware of. Not only do i strongly dislike when people are rude or act superior (because quite frankly, no one had the right to act like that), but it is always at it's worst when the person is unaware of their actions.

I DO NOT EVER WANT TO BE BIG HEADED AND CONCEITED. If I am starting to get that way, I want to know. I don't want to do or say anything that makes anyone feel inferior, because that isn't how i feel about anyone.


-kelc.


ps. Thanks to everyone who came out tonight! It was really great to get to talk to everyone and have our little sing-a-longs (: It always means the world to me, every single time. It was great to have my family there and linger around after the set with everyone else. I love acoustic shows. Hopefully we can do another soon.

Maybe this will get through to people.
My self esteem is lacking if anything.
I think I'm nice. I wish i had more time for everybody, and that isn't to say people are pining for my time either.

Soon, maybe everything will change.

you my darling

have opened my eyes, removing that film , allowing me to see clearly, rather than through that sticky lace. the ancient curtains have turned to knots and bows with wings that flew to the ground, a light air lifting each drop.

There are so many reasons i feel inclined to say i love you.

On another knot.

The rain outside is louder the television downstairs. The scale reinstates my fate in nature, and that some day machines may wither and leaves will create.

Oh the joy in the green; oh the wreckage in machines.

oh and ps

i have paint on my fingers and it's flaking on my keyboard.
little teensy flecks like a map across the letters of words etc etc.

making arts

for you.





annnnd when i write stories they go to crap,
but songs they come to me like that.
so rather than writing my fluff life novel
i'll write a musical that makes the critics gravel
atmyfeet. do do do do do do.
on their kneeeeeees.

the only feeling in my gut

is my insides twisting in two.

i miss you
i miss you
i miss
you.

winter in june.

I am proud and gleeful and young and aching.

My bones are strong but sometimes they feel like dust. It breaks me sometimes to feel as if I've seen so much, when this whole life my eyes have barely been open.

I'm afraid of tomorrow, so I embrace it with my eyes shut.
It's just like jumping into icy water, in somehow No matter how tight you endure your top eyelashes intertwining with your lower eyelashes and clinging to each other as you close your eyes..

and, and, and, No matter how well you allow your nostrils to constrict under your fingers,
you still know just of the cold that is coming fast.

I'm so sick of feeling cold.

you might not like it

when i get my cell phone.

i wonder where you are constantly.
what you're doing
who you're with.

i hate wondering.

still selfish.

on the road againnn

i just can't wait to get on the road again.

the next road will be a short one, to DC. I am super stoked, ecstatic actually. I only hope my soaring expectations are not too high. Then home for a day, then off to Cornerstone.

Then home for two weeks and off for 2 for tour.

Then only a few weeks until-- holy crap. I just realized i have a legitimate excuse to miss fair week this year. I'm going to be on tour. That just made me feel a little too cool. Speaking of tour, we've got the vip passes, but we have to hole punch them ourselves. I seriously hope sse steps it up and whips it into shape prior to the week we leave. PLEASE DON'T RUIN THIS FOR US!

and as

my feet search for a comfortable position,
they always, inevitably, fall right back into the bucket.

i hope hope hope

you are doing okay okay okay.


<3

new plan

i stayed home.


as soon as i was home
here
by myself again

the sun came out.

all i could think about was the warmth of the sand by the dock and the breeze off lake erie.
i won't lie and say i don't miss it terribly, but i missed you more.

i traded a day for a week, but nothing for my everything.
can i have both?

i have a new plan, but i don't think you're going to like it.

i asked.

now we'll just see if you tell :/

i'm so worried.

all about what this is going to do to you, how it is just going to eat you up.

I wish it wasn't this way too, i do. I am trying to do something for me, and i know if i don't go I'm going to regret it all summer. 4 days. They are going to seem so long. I want to invite you to use this, kind of the way i do, so i know how you really feel..

i will, and maybe you will or maybe you won't.

no matter what, i love you.
and we hate the same people, so neither of us have anything to worry about.

window.

it's still rolled down.

stupid.

oh i wish

you were here to baby me again.

the medicine has worn off, and the other is yet to kick in.

i deny it and deny it
but i secretly crave it when im alone.

tsk tsk tsk.

yiddy diddty doo

i'm not weak when it comes to pizza.

just weak when it comes to youuu.

wake

up wake up wake uppp.

TODAY IS GOING TO BE A WONDERFUL DAY.

oh energy

love is like energy
never created
never destroyed
only changed.

I'm good where my energy is, i fear transitions. I woudl prefer to keep this insulated and all other conductors away.

I am selfish.

and i thought

today would be a good day.
I thought today i could float instead of ride a roller coaster.
today, i thought wrong.


I had a manic attack, i suppose that is what they are actually called, whilst sitting in olive garden.
When those around do not know what is going on, it is funny.
I think it is funny to them? I think it is funny, to them.

To me, it is not at all.

It is not like laughing because you are in pain and it's funny.

It is rather like Satan is taking a stake and forcing you to laugh at your misery. It is like Zeus has decided to drown your body and while pulling you down causes you to laugh at your demise, forcing you to take in gulp after gulp of water.

I do not know why i feel so ashamed.

The worst part is, i often think i am having a good day, right up until the scale tips. At this point, as everything spills over, i notice it was not a good day, but a mask over my mind and an imbalance in these crucial chemicals telling me that everything is ok for one split second.

Oh, but as a lovesick castaway in this sea is that i can only ever think about you.Longing for this to be as timeless and Romeo and Juliet, i do not want to live in a tragedy. Thank you, for always turning this place into a utopia.

and also, to one with a tad more authority and a teaching role, i meant what i have said: Your presence gives me hope.

://///

you (10:55:36 AM): come on babe. its like writing a paper about my life

the life i have never had.

I am so sick of hiding.

first day of summer

and i am already bored.


buah ha hum dee dummy dooo.

little known fact number 2.

today i finished painting a bike because i wanted to feel accomplished, proud.


i liked it better when it looked old and trashy.
shiny pearl is not the same as faded, rusted red.

rain rain

it's about freaking time.

lakes.

i lie awake looking in your eyes
but they're always closed as opposed to mine
and i would look right through your eyelid skin
but lately i cannot get in

it pains me to solemnly know
that some people think you must let everything go,
but this isn't a game of catch and release,
you aren't just the only fish
you're my only sea.

and you fall asleep looking in my eyes
but they look away just to watch the time
and you would ask what's wrong all over again
but my gates go up and you can't get in.

but as long as you know all that you mean to me,
you aren't just the only fish
you're my only sea.

shapes

there are multiple types of things that stack up.
today, i am addressing pyramids, the positive and the negative.


positive pyramids have a base of

friendship

with a layer of

affection

and then

love

and continually piling up with

kisses

and

skin contact

and

hands
in
hands.

The negative, actually now that i think about it
should not be discussed right before bedtime.

nleh.

i'm a lil sickysick.

oops.

we only talked for a few minutes

and i am ok.

i will sleep in peace, not restless tonight.

not because i am so tired either,
i am just getting better.

that's all.

it has not been a year.


it really has not.


I look at the calendar and think it's lying,

but i am only lying to myself.

I swear i saw her last week, concentrated, focused, competitive

and smiling.

one year.

i cannot believe it has been a year.
my mind is not flexible enough to wrap itself around that fact.

A year ago today, my friend Laura Edwards committed suicide. The thign is, she was never just my friend, she was Everyone's friend.

It is so odd to think about this day last year, how i awoke with high spirits and fell asleep to tears. I remember when i heard the news. For the next couple days i convinced myself it was someone else, convinced myself this was not that Laura. It wasn't even until i took my first step into the funeral home and glanced at her baby picture that it hit me. That same bright smile in every picture, though gradually as the line progressed through photos with her age, i noticed a certain glimmer in her smile flicker and fade. The life she was lost in is even lost to some of us, but the memories won't fade. Even the brightest lights that go out leave that blind spot in your eyes. Laura was the opposite, she opened eyes up. She saved me more than I saved her, i woudl have again if given the chance.

The way lives have been effected is indescribable.

But I'm doing ok.

you (8:43:01 PM): do you want to talk about anything?

me (8:43:57 PM): i still feel like it didn't happen

me (8:44:02 PM): i sitll feel like

me (8:44:08 PM): im going to go back to church or a track meet

me (8:44:21 PM): and she's going to be sitting behind me or giving me a hug and telling me how long its been

me (8:44:36 PM): i still expect her to act like she's black and call me dawwg all the time

me (8:44:53 PM): and go off on tangents about things that no one can follow

me(8:44:56 PM): but laughed along anyway

me (8:45:25 PM): i miss seeing that spark in her smile when everyone was frowning, and watching it light everyone else up like matches

me (8:45:41 PM): i miss hearing her laugh, because it was one of my favorites

me (8:45:45 PM): it was infectious and sincere

me (8:45:53 PM): and i miss talking about our problems together

me (8:46:04 PM): and i hate that she was one of the only people i ever got close to and she's gone

me (8:46:16 PM): because i feel like everything i told her and gave to her, she took that part of me with her

me (8:46:21 PM): and i don't think i'll ever get it back

me (8:46:38 PM): and it's just constantly going to be filled with this bubble with her memories and all of the things she gave me

or at least i thought i was.

little known fact number 1.

I cry every time we get off of stickam.

pathetic.

history class.

i cannot believe
i uploaded the
the wrong english assignment
to school.

all of that time spent
and nothing out of it.

o
m
gsh.

stupid english assignments.

It is so hard to think sometimes, when your brain doesn’t work.
Your veins will move and blood will pulse and things will work on time,
But, unfortunately this means nothing.
When writing generally flows out of me
like blood from a wound
or water from an overflowing damn,
today they fight their way out
like little Indians shoving spears through my insides
until they have torn little bits of inside
and turned them into outside.
It is so hard to write these things
redundant redundant redundant and repetitive,
when I have no passion for them.
I do not like to rip apart poetry
because it is a form of art,
and who on Earth would shred a Monet?

the uneducated.