and i thought

today would be a good day.
I thought today i could float instead of ride a roller coaster.
today, i thought wrong.


I had a manic attack, i suppose that is what they are actually called, whilst sitting in olive garden.
When those around do not know what is going on, it is funny.
I think it is funny to them? I think it is funny, to them.

To me, it is not at all.

It is not like laughing because you are in pain and it's funny.

It is rather like Satan is taking a stake and forcing you to laugh at your misery. It is like Zeus has decided to drown your body and while pulling you down causes you to laugh at your demise, forcing you to take in gulp after gulp of water.

I do not know why i feel so ashamed.

The worst part is, i often think i am having a good day, right up until the scale tips. At this point, as everything spills over, i notice it was not a good day, but a mask over my mind and an imbalance in these crucial chemicals telling me that everything is ok for one split second.

Oh, but as a lovesick castaway in this sea is that i can only ever think about you.Longing for this to be as timeless and Romeo and Juliet, i do not want to live in a tragedy. Thank you, for always turning this place into a utopia.

and also, to one with a tad more authority and a teaching role, i meant what i have said: Your presence gives me hope.

://///

you (10:55:36 AM): come on babe. its like writing a paper about my life

the life i have never had.

I am so sick of hiding.

first day of summer

and i am already bored.


buah ha hum dee dummy dooo.

little known fact number 2.

today i finished painting a bike because i wanted to feel accomplished, proud.


i liked it better when it looked old and trashy.
shiny pearl is not the same as faded, rusted red.

rain rain

it's about freaking time.

lakes.

i lie awake looking in your eyes
but they're always closed as opposed to mine
and i would look right through your eyelid skin
but lately i cannot get in

it pains me to solemnly know
that some people think you must let everything go,
but this isn't a game of catch and release,
you aren't just the only fish
you're my only sea.

and you fall asleep looking in my eyes
but they look away just to watch the time
and you would ask what's wrong all over again
but my gates go up and you can't get in.

but as long as you know all that you mean to me,
you aren't just the only fish
you're my only sea.

shapes

there are multiple types of things that stack up.
today, i am addressing pyramids, the positive and the negative.


positive pyramids have a base of

friendship

with a layer of

affection

and then

love

and continually piling up with

kisses

and

skin contact

and

hands
in
hands.

The negative, actually now that i think about it
should not be discussed right before bedtime.

nleh.

i'm a lil sickysick.

oops.

we only talked for a few minutes

and i am ok.

i will sleep in peace, not restless tonight.

not because i am so tired either,
i am just getting better.

that's all.

it has not been a year.


it really has not.


I look at the calendar and think it's lying,

but i am only lying to myself.

I swear i saw her last week, concentrated, focused, competitive

and smiling.

one year.

i cannot believe it has been a year.
my mind is not flexible enough to wrap itself around that fact.

A year ago today, my friend Laura Edwards committed suicide. The thign is, she was never just my friend, she was Everyone's friend.

It is so odd to think about this day last year, how i awoke with high spirits and fell asleep to tears. I remember when i heard the news. For the next couple days i convinced myself it was someone else, convinced myself this was not that Laura. It wasn't even until i took my first step into the funeral home and glanced at her baby picture that it hit me. That same bright smile in every picture, though gradually as the line progressed through photos with her age, i noticed a certain glimmer in her smile flicker and fade. The life she was lost in is even lost to some of us, but the memories won't fade. Even the brightest lights that go out leave that blind spot in your eyes. Laura was the opposite, she opened eyes up. She saved me more than I saved her, i woudl have again if given the chance.

The way lives have been effected is indescribable.

But I'm doing ok.

you (8:43:01 PM): do you want to talk about anything?

me (8:43:57 PM): i still feel like it didn't happen

me (8:44:02 PM): i sitll feel like

me (8:44:08 PM): im going to go back to church or a track meet

me (8:44:21 PM): and she's going to be sitting behind me or giving me a hug and telling me how long its been

me (8:44:36 PM): i still expect her to act like she's black and call me dawwg all the time

me (8:44:53 PM): and go off on tangents about things that no one can follow

me(8:44:56 PM): but laughed along anyway

me (8:45:25 PM): i miss seeing that spark in her smile when everyone was frowning, and watching it light everyone else up like matches

me (8:45:41 PM): i miss hearing her laugh, because it was one of my favorites

me (8:45:45 PM): it was infectious and sincere

me (8:45:53 PM): and i miss talking about our problems together

me (8:46:04 PM): and i hate that she was one of the only people i ever got close to and she's gone

me (8:46:16 PM): because i feel like everything i told her and gave to her, she took that part of me with her

me (8:46:21 PM): and i don't think i'll ever get it back

me (8:46:38 PM): and it's just constantly going to be filled with this bubble with her memories and all of the things she gave me

or at least i thought i was.

little known fact number 1.

I cry every time we get off of stickam.

pathetic.

history class.

i cannot believe
i uploaded the
the wrong english assignment
to school.

all of that time spent
and nothing out of it.

o
m
gsh.

stupid english assignments.

It is so hard to think sometimes, when your brain doesn’t work.
Your veins will move and blood will pulse and things will work on time,
But, unfortunately this means nothing.
When writing generally flows out of me
like blood from a wound
or water from an overflowing damn,
today they fight their way out
like little Indians shoving spears through my insides
until they have torn little bits of inside
and turned them into outside.
It is so hard to write these things
redundant redundant redundant and repetitive,
when I have no passion for them.
I do not like to rip apart poetry
because it is a form of art,
and who on Earth would shred a Monet?

the uneducated.

i really hope

you are not worrying about me.


it's nothing to worry about right now, i promise.
it's just like being tired, and feeling like a zombie.
it only happens sometime, you've just seen it at it's worse.
it's not usually like that.
it's usually just like, i feel like sitting alone and saying nothing
and around people i can't smile or interact, i just mumble and say, "meh" a lot.


not so bad babyy.

beat.

i love,

dah dah

to breathe,

dah dah

you in,

dah dah, dah.

gleeeefulandyoung.

The trashcan is old and forgotten,
ugly and ignored,
stained
battered
stashed and stored and
rusted and hidden until the moment is,
just right.
in the appropriate occasion
on appropriate lights
and dreaded while on display
these things, these things and ways.
how drearily close to being gleeful and young.

I think it is intriguing and resplendent,
yet misunderstood.
It's beaten state does not make it
any less useful,
or meaningful,
or or or or
beautiful.
This beat up thing has
seen so much
been kicked so many times
but there it is, sturdy and strong
and there to stay

kind of like being gleeful and young.

Though everyone sees
a negative thing
it could be lonely, and lovely inside and a wonderful thing.
It is the same as was, once bright and new
nothing has changed by age.
Though new facts such as that
have encased your mind
so rather then embrace, the bad you find
you suggest new paint, a new purpose, or face
and see things in a different way.

strikingly similar to being gleeful and young.

stressed.

all i want
is for everyone to leave my house
and just be quiet
and
leave
me
the eff alone.

for a few seconds please.

i have things i need to do
the things you need me to do
are not my concern.
thank you for absolutely
not caring at all.

I want everyone to leave
and i want you to come here
and i need for all of this mess to go away.
just your presence as i work
would be wonderful.

sigh

GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
EEEEEEEEEEEE.
:)

english part 2.

red is an apple and cheeks and blood.
it feels like a flushing face and pulsing veins.
red could be any letter, for it can stand alone or together but is recognized as itself.
it sounds like tongues scraping teeth and teeth biting tongues.
red smells like iron and salt, wet and dark,
illuminates about as well as a dark room
and embraces as much as a stop sign
pulverizes as much as anger
and changes like a blistered bruise.

red is romance and lips and roses.
it feels like contact and skin on skin.
red could hold up a bilboard and stay in disguise.
it sounds like passion and blooms like a flood.
red smells like the water on the gates of a cave,
confinscates as much as the brave would a warrior,
releases as much as a hunter does prey.
forgets as well as an elephant
and remains like a god, loyal and true.

red is romance
and lips, cheeks
and passion, compassion
and roses

and rushing blood

and you.

teehee.

trying to make small talk always seems so silly
after everything we've been through.

so silly, so funny.

but i'm not laughing.

so sad.

english assignment.

good old class participation. the first to words are given to us, we continue the poem from there.
ba dah dum. hmm.

i am sitting in english class.
i wonder how things got this way.
i hear the sounds, but nothing stays.
i see words, but they don't register.
i want my old mind back.
i am sitting in english class.

i pretend it's all alright, but you knew that.
i feel like this poem is cramping my style.
i touch each key precisely, but the words are not quite flowing today.

Where is Doris' river when i need it?

I worry about a lot of things actually, not that anyone would know that's what i do most of the time.

I cry just as much, but.. well,

i am sitting in english class.

I understand that this is to stimulate the mind, but my mind enjoys yoga, and sprinting is not really working out for me.

I say it like i mean it, no wait, i don't say it at all.

I dream about nothing, because i never sleep, perhaps i am losing my childlike goals.

I try, damn, there's that stupid word again; TRRRYYY i cannot escape it, can i?

I hope everything will change, but for now

I am sitting in english class.

Brandon said "I touch the embracing air". i like that.

if you are always here

then why can't i just say all of these things to you?

you (11:18:26 PM): i love you

you (11:18:29 PM): forever

you (11:18:30 PM): and yes

you (11:18:34 PM): i read your blogs often

you(11:18:48 PM): but i feel like i understand you better that way

you(11:18:56 PM): i'm not going anywhere either

it seems silly.
i am sorry you have to use this to understand me better, but

I'll work on that.
promise :)

freund

Tyler(11:10 PM):
i have your back, i know what you are saying. and like, you know i think you're awesome
from like, the 7th grade
when you added me on here
lol
and life will throw these situations at you
Tyler(11:11 PM):
and everyone has a sad side, but when the sad side takes over
you need the change, and of all people, you know how to do that
i'll always have your back

Oh, i needed that. That was exactly what i needed to hear.
Thank you.

aber

i don't
want to
take
you
down
with
me
while
i am
drowning.

but i know you'll follow me anyway.


i want you here, always, but i want to do everything in my power not to pull you down, does that make sense? no no, it soudns like i want to leave. I AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE. I AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE. I DO NOT WANT TO GO ANYWHERE.
i want to do as much as i possibly can to make sure i do not bring you down with me, while i am here, because i will always be here.
oh shiz, this cannot form words right.

iloveyou.

beide

security
does not leave

love
does not leave



here i am

slipping away

I swear I've been awake for 13 days. I swear I haven't missed a beat this earth has presented, but I can't keep any kind of pace these days. The word try has such a negative connotation to me. Try, try, just try. I am trying. Trying is not so good. Trying is not succeeding. Often trying results in failure. There is only one thing in my life that has ever come natural to me, and every time i feel like it is slipping away, i feel like my hands are slipping off the bars that hold me to life. There is so little keeping me alive, but the little things are so big and mean so much. If it weren't for you, I would be gone. I think about it more than you would think.

I am collapsing.
My elbows are so weak, and i know they are going to give soon.
I've never had that much muscle anyway, how the hell have I been holding myself up?

Her one year anniversary is approaching too.

"..all she wants is just a memory to hold
her and she says remember me"

:|

i don't even know what is going on with me lately.


i need you here.
i'm breaking down
all the time.

change.

Time
to ∞
brighten ☼

things ▒

up î
around ○
here
:) ☺

ghosts

on occasion, there is a phrase that still haunts me.

it goes like this:

"i miss being pressed against those hips."
a phrase i am sure we both hate.
you perhaps, even more than i.*

it only haunts me, because i imagine you smiling. This dear, does not hurt me, so much as it reminds me i need to cope. I wonder what happened to me that made me this way? I am not distrustful, i believe it is my own nature, to feel that feeling, as irrational as it may be. I know I've felt that feeling ever since i found out that each drunken phone call was a sober confession of infidelity, the coals that day were stoked and ignited. They hardly sparked though, because darling, there wasn't even a flame there to keep them live. Now that my body has felt that heat and holds those coals, it is just reaction to be, jealous? See, this is not the word for now. Hurt is not the word either. Uncontainable certainly does not fit here. Prior to the unfaithfulness in my life, i was trusting and lovely, you would think a little naive, but on the contrary my credulity was not a problem. In these cases, jealousy was alive.

Now, however, it is not.
Love is not jealous. Love is not jealous.

I suppose what i am trying to say, that little burning in my stomach sometimes cannot be put out by the hoses in my eyes, but together they make a disaster-piece sewed to suit. It is not so bad you see, but any spark left remaining in any fire can illuminate a small flame, but mind you they die quickly.

I suppose what i am trying to say, is that reactions may occur sometimes with the lightest wind, but it is not your fault. This is not to say you could possibly put them out, because i am afraid it will take a long while for the spark to turn to ash.

I only wish you could have met me untouched, non-threatened and not yet scarred by the previous paladins whom tried to break in to batter my heart when it was not theirs to beat. They managed to leave only bruises and fissures around my chest, all of which you manged to slide by without a break or a tinge of pain from the lesions.

I suppose i am trying to say that even at the most irrational times little sparks may fly inside me, because of things that have happened to me in the past. Therefor, it is not your fault. It is human nature darling :), or at least my nature at that.
I suppose i can never quite find the words i woudl like to find to say the things i would like to say.
I suppose i am trying to say i am new to this, we both are.

I suppose what i am trying to say,
is that i love you.

*i'm sorry if you read this, because it is
something that i know you
do not like to be reminded
of, but i would hate for this
'secret' blog to lose it's meaning
and it's publicity by me
hiding away again.

me (11:06:54 PM): i really wish i could just hug you

mostly because
for no apparent reason
i have started to
cry my eyes out
like abandoned ships
pouring from rivers.

my head is pounding again.
pulsing.
pulsing.

i think i'll go to sleep.

"The funny thing about the sun coming up every morning, it only happens if you want it to."

the worst feeling

the worst feeling
is that tinge of pain
bouncing off the
reflection of someones eyes
when you've thrown it there, way
and it hitting you
straight through
your pupils
and sinking into your stomach

before it even hits your mind.

Sometimes i feel like you cannot see from my point of view because you believe i can do no wrong. Often, this makes talking to you about these things difficult.

I have hurt you, and inflicted pain so many times since we have met. Anything that has caused me pain is your past, is nothing you have done to me since we have met.

Perhaps you're thinking of one occasion, a few weeks ago. Maybe that was one. Only one occasion. I want that to be void.



I told you i couldn't feel anything when i touched you. I was lying right beside you, telling you i could not feel anything when we kissed. My dear, i was lying, one large fat lie after another, but my mind thought they were right. What does that make me? Misled? I am not sure either. Impaired, perhaps.

If you know something you say or do would hurt someone you love, and you do it in spite of that, what does that make you. A monster. It makes me a monster.


Sometimes, i think i subconsciously create all of these struggles at night, because i miss you so much when you are asleep. I don't want to tell you that though, because i don't want you to stay up. I hate the person i become when the sun goes down and the lights go off. The person i become in the morning sometimes too.

Absolutely.

oh and

things like these.

...take a shower already.
and straighten up that ring.

I took my first shower today since Wednesday? Tuesday?.. I don't even know. I've felt so lethargic and so, just tired. It's exhausting, trying to force yourself to do things when you are exhausted. It is so utterly exhausting to jump off of seven cliffs onto 12 edges of rocks when all you want to do is lie down in warm arms in a nice bed.

bulletins

this is what i've been posting instead of blogs.






annnnd

I still feel like
this single picture
expresses me better
than i ever
could manage
in
words.


Hmm.

(:

good.

it's striking me as odd
that i am never
profoundly
moved to write

when things are good.


what a dreary little girl i've become.

:/

i feel like
the last couple of days

i've only made you mad
every time we speak online.


apologies are brimming my darling.

i'm sorry?