it's time to smile and relax

this is the end of the war,

and the start of my life.

i have never felt so empowered by my own words.

hmmm.

i've been creepin' on your pictures.

yup. gotta get mah fix.
you would think i had it already.


i am back to the days where 24 hours is not enough.
neither is 29.
i could have gone for 32.

i can't even stay upset

because basically it needed to be this way.

except they didn't need to be dicks about it.

i'm free.
no more hiding.

we're free.

so we'll keep on keeping on

it's been so short but this week felt so long.
so we'll keep on keeping on,
until we're done.



I wrote those words after we had been a band for a week. I thought it would last. I thought we would amount to something. She shouldn't be singing those words. I'm sorry, she just shouldn't.



they changed the words, to wrong. i guess that's how they feel.

meine perfekt freundin

I cannot even explain
how _____ it feels when
you
kiss me.

oh i shouldnt

post blogs when i first wake up anymore.

why did i question it?

i could feel it.

(:

losing teeth

i keep losing all o fmy teeth in my dreams.
slowly they fall out.
last night my mouth was too swollen to spit them out.
they hardly wiggle with my tongue, and then fall right out.


teeth falling out in dreams mirrors helplessness and anxiety in a real life situation.


i felt as if your flame sparked the tiniest bit. you wanted to kiss me. you kissed me. it was wonderful, it was glorious. i felt little lights ricocheting from my lips to yours.

i am hoping that's the way it is. i hope you were not only excited because you got your license. not to say that isn't exciting, you know i don't mean it like that. i am saying i hope that wasn't spilling over into your almost empty cup of us. maybe it did, maybe it played as a reminder. I also hope, you weren't forcing it.

I don't expect things to get fixed and back to perfection overnight. I hope you didn't take it that way when i said things were back to normal. I expect some things we will have to work on. I expect it may take a little time. I hope it will be fixed before you go to school though. If it isn't fixed one hundred percent, it doesn't matter. You won't be too far away.

twelve-thousand weights off my shoulders

I only hope they are truly lifted, rather than hovering a few inches, weights prepared to drop at a seconds notice.

I only hope you will tell me when i am a little too much, when your glass of me is about to overfill so we can avoid that big mess that no amount of paper towels can properly clean up; a mess better dealt with by blowing noses into tissues.

No more tissues, aside from those used to mop up joyful tear drops.
Sometimes it takes quite a bit to keep both of us from weeping, but that's the way we work. We are not a machine. We cannot oil ourselves up and expect everything to run smoothly. We have to macgyver around the kinks and jump through hoops. Let's keep looking on the bright side though, we have all of the necessary tools and our hoops aren't burning.

As far as the other flame goes, every fire burns brighter with a little kindling, i think we had that today. Now, we all know a fire cannot survive on this alone. As long as we tend to the flame, we can keep it lit. We just have to be careful. If we let it go out again, it could be raining, or there may be no matches in sight.

I now really see quite clear why love can be referred to as a flame. The warmth from the first initial burst. The cold when wind storms blow through. The fear of stepping too close to the fire. Most importantly, the fear of letting it go out. Any fire or flame or love can be trampled out. Any fire or flame or love or spark can be stopped in it's track.

Not every love has two attendees, guarding and watching the flame, tending to withering sparks and illuminating the night sky with orange flames licking the darkness. I am proud of us, to see our hands intertwined around gasoline cans and an abundance of firewood. We just need to make sure we use what we have.

uh oh

i regret this.

i write to vent.
to get any train of thought out of my head.
i don't even reread.
i just post.
i'm rereading now, half of that is absurd.

was i crying in my sleep?

it sure felt like it when i woke up..


i had the worst dream i have ever had. Worse than my dreams at cornerstone. Worse than my series of Laura Edwards dreams. Worst than all of those put together.


Why was it so hard?

I get a call from you, telling me you want to to the right thing. Then you wont answer my calls, when you told me to call you back. You send me straight to your voice mail. You text me and tell me you're sorry. I tell you "don't apologize, what's wrong?". Somehow you are where I am. I have to look you in the face and see you say "I have another girlfriend".

I ask you if you are going to break up with her, and you say no. I tell i would forgive you and never bring it up again if it ended. You looked at me with disgust. I ask you if you love her. You tell me yes. I ask if you love me. You shake your head no.

I woke up reaching for you because i forgot i wasn't there. I can't go back to sleep. I'm so tired.

Why do i always have these horrible dreams? I think they are brought on by worries or stress.



Why would i be worried? I am so afraid to tell you. I feel like all i do is make you mad lately. I feel like there are little things that you don't tell me about that upset you, and then sometimes they build up.

Half of the time i was with you in
the last two days i felt like a nuisance.

I am not trying to make you feel bad. I don't want to make you angry.

All i want to do is sit down and talk about everything before you go to school. I want to make sure every little thing is cleared up before you leave. I can't stand the idea of us having a little problem while you are away. I am so afraid that this won't happen though. I know it's not how you are wired, and i would never ask you to change, but i wish you would open up more. I know you are capable of doing it. I don't want a patch of issues to pop up again.

Maybe you are thinking that everything already is cleared up. I thought so too but if this were the case then neither of us would have been upset on tuesday. A lot of the time i feel like i am causing all of the problems, because i actually tell you when something is bothering me. I can't keep doing that if it keeps making you and and you aren't willing to listen and talk about it. I only tell you so we can demolish it in its tracks.

When something is bothering you, i don't even know until you say it in response to something that is bothering me. It makes me feel like shit, because i know things would have been different, for both of us if we actaully talked about things.


I feel like you are even going to get upset reading this, and it scares me.


I'm scared that lately somethign is changes in the way you feel, not necessarily about me, but something. It eats at me because usually i know just what's going on, and i right now i have no idea.
I'm scared that you think that i act too young. I feel like you feel like you are so much older than me. Maybe i am completely imagining that.
I'm scared that you are getting bored with me, that you want to be doing things with other people because doing nothing is getting old.

I know we look at a lot of things differently, and like you said that's hwere we need to compromise. How can we compromise if we don't know how the other person is seeing things.

oh my god.


i hate myself for this. I sound controlling. I sound like i am triyng to mak ethis relationship fit inside a tiny box. Why is it that i can't sit back and just do nothing? Why can't i just let what will happen, happen. I feel like me trying to fix things further aggitates you and makes things worse.


this is all because of that fucking dream. I hate the way my mind works.

And i'm sorry that i just want to know. I want to get back in your mind and know you as well as i used to, because predicting your habits and seeing you talk aren't the same as knowing how you feel.

dear delta delta

Deleting that comment i left was dumb. I was just letting you guys know. It wasn't a mean comment, i was just trying to inform you that she knew the whole truth, all of it. She knows that you guys didn't want anyone to come out and say the whole of it, which is why it's hinting not saying.

Sorry if you took it the wrong way. :/

If you deleted it to keep people from finding me, like the top friends removal thing in the beginning, it's not working. If people are asking, I'm telling them just what i told Andrew i was telling them. If they are people i know, I'm letting them know exactly what happened. Both sides, unbiased. Trust me, it puts it more on me than it does on you. Like a said, a lot of people can't understand because we have a lot of people who don't really stand for what they stand for, so seeing people continue to do that creates conflict with them. I'm not judging these people, it's just an observation about how some people live.


You know i love you guys all to death, and i wish things were still going the way we had originally intended them too. I am not going to turn people against you, I'm not going to try to paint a picture that you are horrible people. This was caused by something that i can't change in my heart, and it's a simple disagreement.

As far everyone else, i really hope they come to see how things really are with all of us. I WANT THEM TO KNOW THERE IS NO BAD GUY IN THIS SITUATION.

I love you guys, and i wouldn't trade you for the world, but i guess i have to.

-kelc.

ps. please don't let their disputes and their anger become our anger and our disputes. I care about you all too much for that.

im not exactly taking this

as well as it seems.


you know what?


I am not going to let them use me, and walk all over me and penetrate open sores on my body anymore. If they aren't going to cooperate with me and do this the way we all agreed prior to, then i am not going to cooperate either.

I won't let them tear me to shreds any further. What's mine is mine, and what you haven't got out of me, i am not going to fork over to rise while my ashes fly off. No guts no glory, and
this is about to be a fucking massacre.

didn't make the cut.

All over the curves in the road that my life has ventured on and every wrong turn, my path has been documented in songs and letters and journals. Why I've kept these things? I don't know. Why I have felt a necessary need to cling to the past and keep this tight grasp on everything joyous I come in contact to? I don't know. I dwell in the past, i wrap myself in the present, and i dread the future. It's about time for a big change.

so seriously

shit's about to change.


updating myspace page and blah blah blah, thought i might document the old.

I promise I'm nice and i pretty much like everyone unless you screw me over, but even then i won't do anything about it. I try to be nice and sincere with everyone, but sometimes i get really busy. This makes a lot of people think I'm conceited and full of myself. I also promise this is not the case. If i ever sound that way, just give me a good kick in the shin or slap in the face, because i never want to be that kind of person.

I believe that no one should change who they are, whether it is to be similar to someone OR to differ from them. Do not alter yourself to fall into another's path, or out of your own to avoid a similar route. In each circumstance, it is equally absurd to change who you really are.


(this was already posted once)

I am beginning to see life as a thing to cherish and live out, rather than a task to perform. I think people get stuck in phases that rotate on carousels, seeing the same things, the same places, the same turn. You don't really realize that you're spinning until your head gets sick and your stomach starts throbbing. Oh, and when you realize you can't get off. Then again, who wants to leave what they know and jump into the swirling backdrop of their life. I did. Now i see things a little more clearly.


-k.


Who I would like to Meet:
Everyone who will let me get close enough to

sigh part 2; the bad kind.

i cannot find Middlesex.
It's story distracts me so well,
and your picture as my bookmark keeps my mind form wandering to places it ought not to be.

I miss you terribly. Tonight was bad.

Tonight was really bad.