there are parts

of me that heal slower than others,
but most of those i have inflicted upon myself.

am i good? v2.0

yeah, i am.

having someone who is always there for you is at first a relief, then it becomes a sanctuary, but then it becomes home. You are the roof over my head keeping me from every storm. All roofs have leaks, but this is easily repaired. The skills to repair them come over time, but in this case have been acquired quickly. You will not lose them until you believe that there is no more learning or growing to do.

No one really catches site of their flaws until they are addressed to them, whether from within or from an outward source. Often this is the best thing that can happen.

A misunderstanding or miscommunication can open up doors and build brick walls in front of them. Long term, it is so much better to open a door and find out it needs to be sealed off, than to venture through that door and the various winding hallways connected. I am glad to peek through the peep holes in these doors and turn back around to arms of love, even though some of the occurrence on the other door ought not to be seen. The images that scar you are the ones you learn to avoid and the tears that haunt you become the fighting source you create maps to eliminate. Naturally, maps need to be redrawn all the time with new discoveries.

luckily, in this circumstance all roadways lead to love.

exclusively to this blog, it is so hard to see you cry. i know you feel the same about me. i felt like when i stood up to go to the bathroom i attatched your heart to may hand and dragged it out with me. i never want to feel like that again. i never want to make you feel like that again. i will never leave you, in any circumstance, not in anyway. you reached out for me and i pushed you away. i line that up with my big mistakes in life. i am never going to do that again. neither of us need our hearts drawn out and set aside, not one time, not ever again. i loev you so much, and there is nothing else i can say to explain it. there are not any metaphors or analogies i can use to put it into words because there is nothing like this, not one thing, not now, not ever.

i've gone to the dark side.

http://kelcdanmarie.tumblr.com/

my posts from now on will be here.

that is, they will be on tumblr, public, and more frequent.

a little birdy told me

that i love you.

he was very, very wise.

yearbook class.

i'm watching my teacher eat a sucker and half the students in this class work on 20 other things completely unrelated.

my teacher may persecute me for being one of them.
i am smiling thinking of the irony that would fall over us
if she were staring at her screen at this blog,
while i am staring at my sceen typing it.

this is not the point though.

my palms are sweaty and my mind is racing.
it's like there are little loops in my head and beads are
swirling like horses on a race track.

my body is tired, but my mind is so awake,
but at the same time my eyes are heavy and my
brain feels drowsy while my legs won't sit still.

i am confused. my palms are leaving hand prints that look
like soggy footprints on the computer.

i think i am just going to go pee.

today my

meds were upped.

doubled.
i start on 40 mg tomorrow.

this will either make me feel much better,

or make me feel like i am pumping myself with cocaine,
coursing through my veins as
serotonin is bumping through my brain.