you, are

the
only
exception.

iravatem

music was always something more to me.
it was like opening your eyes to find a beautiful white room with the widest windows after your eyes had only been exposed to the blackness of your eyelids for so long.
the light, the beauty of it all, extracts motions from your head, side
to side. every little note creates a thousand exotic butterflies soaring out of cracks in the walls straight into the room, rhythms like small marching mean across white floor boards.


if only everyone could see the pictures i see when i hear the music.
i see movies, i see facial expressions,
lost souls clinging to branches in far off forests.
broken hearts repairing themselves in chests and lungs filling with new breath.
ideas literally flowing from hands, crawling out of fingernails and dancing across paper.
scientific discoveries being made as a scientist looks up at a sky, to realize it's the lab he's been trapped in for years waiting for the one moment.


i see people alone, with views swirling around them, wind in curly hair, eyes shut, arms down but out.
i see grey skies with white lights.
i hear sighs and footsteps and emptiness.
i can feel the panic, the necessity, the steady steady flowing of those words from fingernails, even when there are no words at all.

for once, and only once in this sole circumstance i cannot explain in words what i am seeing in my head. rather than words being an escape, they are trapping me. I'm surrounded by letters and junctions that mean nothing.

It is far to hard to explain the shiver running down my arms, across my spine.

you can't even say it. you have to feel it.

These moments, these moments... i could live in them.

oh no

my journal
is
missing.
in
action.

no one can be trusted.

actually. i think i left it in math.

now without anyone peering over my shoulder

i cannot wait.

tonight will be bliss.
Perhaps i shouldn't be updated my blog at school, but if i don't i know these emotions will just explode out of me at some point anyway.
Who knows? That could disrupt a class.

I really do think i could do this school some good though. I look around every class room and see these big, ignorant faces with eyes that are yet to be open wide and see the truth. These children are sheltered. Not everyone, but so many of the people here are angry with what they don't know, are scared because they don't understand it, but also narrowminded and therefor won't learn.

I feel like that little frog who sat croaking in a bog all alone at night. Everyone hears him, but no one really knows what he is saying. Everyone hears him going on and on and on; they don't try to listen, they just wish he would shut up.

8 hours.

only 8 hours.


cannot wait cannot waitcannot wait cannot waitcannot wait cannot waitcannot wait cannot waitcannot wait cannot waitcannot wait cannot waitcannot wait cannot waitcannot wait cannot waitcannot wait cannot waitcannot wait cannot wait
cannot wait cannot wait
cannot wait cannot wait
cannot wait cannot waitcannot wait cannot waitcannot wait cannot waitcannot wait cannot waitcannot wait cannot waitcannot wait cannot waitcannot wait cannot waitcannot wait cannot waitcannot wait cannot waitcannot wait cannot waitcannot wait cannot waitcannot wait cannot wait.

yeah.

the thing i hate

about this blog is that i know you will read it, but i never know when.

it's good and bad at the same time.
so hard to explain. it leaves a bit of how it was before you knew i had this blog there,
but at the same time i never know if you have read something.
then after a certain amount of time i think you must know, but i don't know if you know for sure, and then i don't know how you feel about anything that i've said.

i don't even know how you feel about this blog, haha.
i think you said before it helps you understand me, give you more of an incite into me.
sometimes i wonder if that's too much, if sometimes it's just too much.

but like i said, i just don't know.

Dearest Darling,

i know you don't want to hear any of this,

but maybe seeing it is slightly different.

I told laura i was confused by what she said, even before i talked to you. She apologized over and over, which i got last night. She said that what she was talking about was months ago. I think she meant longer than months, but a year ago feels almost like days. I know they've been dating longer than we have by a little bit, so i know what she is talking about was then, if she was even udner the right impression in the first place. I know since we have been together you haven't gotten your old case of girl a.d.d., and it's been the same here of course, pleasantly focused.

I know this, i truly do, which is why i didn't flinch when someone told me that you told weslie you missed her or some stupid shit a few months ago. Also, i know that's why i didn't flinch before that when you said the name "Alex" in your sleep (granted i was a little uneasy, but it was gone as soon as i fell asleep). There are things that i have thrown in the trashcan before i had a second chance to worry. I'm not sure you know that, or if you (understandably) think maybe i react the same to everything. I promise you, i don't. I have even had stupid people i don't know, and i'mpretty sure you don't even know make up lies about you and other girls (one claiming something went on a day and at a time that WE were actually together). Myspace drama, lies, rumors. Why didn't i mention these things? I wasn't keeping them from you. I knew they were stupid, dumb, and they would only upset you. I saw no reason for them to upset you when they were little nothing's.

I'm sorry if keeping any of that inside was the wrong thing to do. I honestly don't know if it was, or if it was not. Maybe some clarification sometime would help, but i don't even know when you will read this.

Another thing i do know is that the only reason laura was so unwilling to give me a chance is because you don't like lindsay (so she told me). She said she was being immature, childish, and she's sorry. She also said she couldn't keep it up because she actually likes me, haha. I explained i had those first few days of liking you insecurities and never had a chance to get to know her after that, so those were the only feelings i had toward her and that i was being just as childish. Now the only reason these conversations have continued with Laura, is because we want to be ok with each other, even better, we want to be friends. We both knw that we both mean a lot to you , only in different ways, and we both knew things were weird between us, and that makes it hard for you. Neither of us want that, so we abolished it.

The conversation led to talking about old people and good names. Perhaps you would have rather had the entire thing avoided, but i hope that you would be happy that Laura and i are becoming more acquainted.


I also hope that whether you see it or not, these are the ways you are making me a better person. I would not have gone out of my way to be acquainted with laura on my own, neither of us would have. I wanted to do that, because i know she means a lot to you, and i know you are a big part of her life. I don't want to come between the friendship you guys have now.

I love you, and i would do anything, no matter how big or small, to take one teensy ounce of stress or worry or frustration away. I do everything i do with good intentions, sometimes i just have to let time make a lamp so everyone can see them.

and all i'm asking of you is one little thing,

open up your eyes,
so see how i wear this thin
disguise
that i have weathered myself so well in
theses lies
that i have painted upon my skin.

i don't want to be quite so far in.

but i'm not sure, how to come out.


(meant to be sung)

almost there

The last day of summer is approaching. 18 minutes, 24 hours until it's all over...

I understand the end.
I comprehend the end.
I really get the end.

Can I find the new beginning?

i cannot explain

how much i love this song,
nor how much it mean(t)(s) to me.

i know i'm silly sometimes

and i'm sorry if it irritates you,
or it's the one part of me you don't like.

regardless, it's part of me.


i also have another part that overcomes it very quickly, hopefully that counters it in your eyes too.


this house is no home. i'm just a straggler here. ready to come home.

right now, and for a long time.

to be quite honest

it eats me up when you call other people bby.
when you tell other people you miss them so much, and love them just the same.

it does. eats up all of my insides, spits them up in front of me only so i can see how shredded they are.

why doe sit do this? i don't know. maybe i felt as if those names and phrases were reserved for me, and seeing you say them to someone else, and so publicly, pulls and stabs.

obviously not i love you's and i miss you's entirely. it wasn't what you said so much as the way you said it, the way you say it to me. just like that day, you used the smile you use with me and the laugh and the tone of voice i only see directed toward me.

i still hate that day. the entire day, until we sat out and talked for hours. i repress the rest of it. i know we talked bout it, but it doesn't change how i had felt before hand. i felt like the third wheel. i felt like i shouldn't have been there.


it's not intentional, it's just instinct. you know how that goes.


i love you, we're solid. don't think for a second that i'm shaking (:

and i tell myself

Don't lose your thoughts, yours ideals, your passion, your dreams or your unique sense of self to the turning heads and the pointing finger. Ignore the whispers you cannot hear and turn a blind eye to the drivers steering the wrecking ball into your life. When everything is done crashing, don't recall how you stood motionless, remember how you gave them a chance to stop.

And when this is all over, you were the good person. You won't play the victim, but when you are favored, it will always look that way.

ps. stop acting like an ass because you don't have to worry about other people. this change doesn't give you an excuse to be a bitch.

oh . oh . however red your blankettttsss

school starts for you, well technically today.

I do not. really have a dominant emotion. No string of words particularly connecting like pearls on a necklace to be said. I just felt like writing, but with nothing to say i suppose that becomes a little hard to manage. I am carrying on well about having nothing to write about surprisingly. It is like eating when you are not hungry; you can cook the food, but eating is a whole new thing.

That sounds like the causes for frustrations encountered this week, if you get what i mean.

teehee :)