dont worry.

ive got a box of memories big enough for the both of us.

i dont even know where to start

because i cant do this. say anything.i found my old phone today. i compared to very similar photos from a year ago and i look so sad. a week ago. i look so different now. tired. wornit wont make sense. out. lost. sad. i realized it is almost a year to you cheating on me.this time last year, i was so confident we were about to overcome everything. this time last year, maybe i was naive and stupid. i was foregoing art for love. i was wrapped in the arms of someone i was already losingm but have yet to stop loving. i was dating someone i thought i was going to marry, someone i was so secure with, through rocking and shaking foundation. i worried so much, but was so carefree. i was young and naive. but i was happy. we took each other for granted. we had these problems. but tonight is the first night that the three words in my head are no longer ni love hern. rather, the words emmulating simply state we didnt work. my phone wont even let this post come across coherently. i just need to get this out. we didnt work. we didnt work. we didnt work.

you wont find me here anymore.

i still wonder

if you still get sad like i do.
if you're also at the point, where you can't cry anymore, so your eyes just get blurry and your throat stays in a lump.

i wish that being away from me made you miss me more, but i think its just making you happier.

you're so distant, we never talk. when we do, you're dismissive.

you want nothing to do with me right now, maybe ever. I am fairly certain you are happy in the arms of someone else.

all of your things in a box, or three, all of your clothes in my bottom drawer, all of your photos and videos in a password protected file on my computer. All of your voice mails, well, I haven't really had the heart to delete those yet.

I'm not sure that I'm trying to move on, so much as make daily living more bearable.

and the minute those wings

begin to flutter for someone else,



mine begin to break.
i'm so stupid, to ever get my hopes up.

the little things that i have kept tucked away so safely to remember, sentenced to a box to be placed somewhere secret, so i may forget.

i don't have anyone to talk to anymore.

i don't have anywhere to be sad, except here. The flood is coming.

Can you imagine, if this show hadn't been canceled? Our lives would have been so different.

im boxing up our memories.

it seemed to help you.

it's tough, you know? i had previously arranged my room so everywhere i looked i was reminded of you. it's torture now.

honestly,

you're still in love with me. i know it will piss you off to read this, but if you weren't this wouldn't hurt.

maybe i just gotta get gone////

caring about how someone feels

is so much different than actually caring about them.


i spent so long trying to make sure you were not a pebble, you were not a pebble.

now i need to figure out how to make you one.

i noticed

That for some reason, that sounded spiteful.

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if your last tumblr post was about me

And what you wouldn't do for me right now, I'm afraid the answer is no longer "nothing". Double negatives can be confusing.

All I want to say is happy birthday and I love you.

And I'll be damned, but that sure as hell hasn't changed a bit.

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hit on me

And then hit on my ex girlfriend, that you know completely hold my heart. Real classy j, real classy.

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i still want this.

I really do.

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cleaning out my laptop.

so bittersweet.

face tennis, eh?

fuck it.

i won't get upset, when i don't have the right.
i won't let something small, ruin a day that could be big.

i don't care about any of that. i just want what i had yesterday.

you know what really sucks?

that just as things are getting good, and we are friends again, i realized you broke another promise.

i guess you dont have to keep promises to me anymore. i am just realizing that being your friend is going to hurt, when you do things you swore to me you wouldn't (after we broke up), and then finding out you did them anyway.

It's worse when all i asked is that you tell me if it did, and you swore you understood and said that you would.

uhhh, oh no. my body just got so tired.

But I think it is because tonight I will rest easy. I'm sober. I'm stable. I'm wearing my tan tegan and sara shirt that has been hiding in the bottom of a bag of things you gave back to me, tightly packed away with the others, so one by one I can sleep in them and drift to your lingering scent. Smell is the biggest trigger of memory, so it only makes sense. To me, these shirts smell like happiness.

Perhaps I should feel like it is wrong or strange to indulge in something so small and interesting, but nostalgia always wins over reason.

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you signed my guestbook <3 always. I looked at it for awhile. I haven't cried about it externally for awhile, but seeing that is so bittersweet. I just can't forget the feelings.

Nowhere feels like home.

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are my days getting easier?

or are my nights getting drunker?

pros and cons

photoshoot today, not by you. panera, you pick two, all alone. caught in the rain, but not with you. reading your tumblr, on my phone. without you, sitting on my couch, watching bones

Its a bit concerning. I laughed today though, all alone. I can't figure out why. I was just sitting in my car, drenched in water, my legs bare and dripping, my hair leaving little beads of silver rolling down my arms and chest. I found it funny, but I can't figure out why. Maybe I just need to laugh and my body knew it.

I think I need to stop posting here. I'm starting to worry you will think to come here, and be overwhelmed.

Only when I am tired and alone, I can't stop thinking about it. The majority of the days go kind of alright.

Ps. Our show tomorrow is at the grange. You proposed to me there. Its going to be rough.

Pps. Zoey deschanel has a new show on fox this fall. It looks lovely. I want to show you the commercials for it. Maybe someday.

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300th post

It's hard to fall asleep at night without saying goodnight to you. I am convinced that is what is keeping me up.

if you ever come to read these, and this, i am afraid it will make it harder for you to try to connect with me as a friend down the road, knowing i will want to work for more. I would not mistake your friendship for anything more without you telling me, or kissing me, or something drastic. I know that isn't what you want anymore, or at least not right now. I know you have things you need to figure out. You don't know where you stand, and therefor do not know if you would ever want to try us again.

Regardless, I feel we both want what we had before, but we know that what we once had was not what was present most recently. This is what I am blaming myself for. There is so much I want to do differently if ever given the opportunity. This is relevant as far as simply being friends goes as well.

I won't have my band anymore. I think i was getting so caught up in getting my old life back, the one that didn't work with you in it, that i did not realize it isn't really what i want anymore. It isn't as meaningful by any means. Even when we shared the same bed, it was as if i kept my passion for my music.

The wonderful thing about being in a loving relationship is knowing that you would give your passion up for someone, but also knowing they would never ask you to because it is part of what makes you who you are. You never asked me to, and i asked you to give up so much. I cannot change the person you are, or ask you to, because that would be changing the person that i fell in love with that night on the street in october of 2008. It seems so long ago, but also so close.

It is true, I want my girlfriend back. It is more true though, that I want my best friend back. I miss being silly with you, and rolling around wrestling on the floor. It is true, we tried and couldn't get that back, but the reason i am beating myself up is because I know i was only trying halfheartedly.

I am afraid you might feel like i am only wanting you so much because i can't have you, but the minute i do i wont want you as much. The first part, of course is true, but not in the way it seems. More than anything, i have come to know what it is like without you.

You said to me on your porch that other people have said we are young, we will find another love, we can move on. I am at the same conclusion you were, and i was prior to this, but was just lost. I don't want another, I don't want new, I dont want to move on. Why would I want to leave in hopes of finding something like this, when it is right here?

I told you that i sometimes felt like we were holding onto something that was no longer there. What a load of fucking bull shit. The problem wasnt that we were holding onto something that wasnt there, it was that i was letting go or ignoring what still was.

I don't want to run. I dont want to be a fear or flight person. We are both emotionally exhausted. We are both worn out and our hearts are tired, but mine still wants to live happily beside yours.

The day we were discussing the show and you told me that you felt like it almost wasnt worth trying anymore, i think i misunderstood. That day, that was what set me off, put my wall up and shut you out. In retrospect i think you meant being a part of shows, etc. That day, I thought you meant us. I felt like i feel now, as if you have given up.

I know you don't know what you want, you don't know where you stand, it isn't an easy thing for you to understand right now. I can only guess, but i think it is because you love me, but you dont want to be in the mess we had at the end. You don't want to be with the person i was.

Remember the loving, sweet girl i used to be? The one that brought you flowers just because? The girl that showed up at 8 am just to crawl into bed with you, even if i had to work in an hour? The girl that waited for you after work, so i could smoke your first post-work cigarette with you, then go back to your house and cuddle like there was no tomorrow? The girl that used to keep you up at night, trying to make love to you when all you wanted to do was sleep? More importantly, the girl who did the things i needed to for me, but still made sure that you felt like you came first? the girl that was balanced and composed?

The longer i go feeling like you will never come back into my life, the closer i get to that girl. i do not know if it is because I am more determined to be that girl, or because i realized that is who i am, and therefore that is who i lost, but regardless, i assure you she is coming.

Maybe if you read this, it will stress you out. Maybe it will reassure you. Maybe it will push you away, I don't know. I have no way of knowing. I do not want you to feel stressed, confused, or pressured. I want you to feel like you, because that is the girl that i love. I want so much for us to grow as individuals, as friends, and hopefully as lovers, and enter into a relationship that is not classified as a high school romance or a first love. I want it to be real love, the lasting kind.

I am not sure if it is the best part to me right now or the worst, but i know it is possible. I know what i need to do differently, and perhaps it may be surprising to hear, but we were always right. Happiness has to come from within ourselves first, therefor when i stopped trying it took our toll.

I have faith in us. I do not know why, at this shaky point, where we are currently nothing but each other's first love, and unfortunately ex's, but i see so clearly not what we can be, but what we would be. I am willing to fight for us, even if it is not for a year.

baby steps. we know how to take them. i just want you to be happy, so at the end of the day whether that is with me, alone, or as horribly painful and sickening as the thought is to me, with someone else, you deserve happiness. More importantly, you deserve the best, and regret so severely the moment i stopped giving it to you.

well today,

Is exactly a month from your birthday. You're present came in the mail today. I don't know what to do.

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I don't have anyone to talk to.

Michael is moving in eight days. He and Jon both sold all of their equipment. I can feel it in the pit of my stomach, it's not going to work.

I have regained and lost everything so quickly. I was so happy to have those two worlds i always wanted, together, and pristine , but i separated them out of habit, and now both have been abolished and i am left with nothing.

But i lost you first. Except I didn't lose you, I gave you away.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to feel at home, because you still are my home. I want to fix this. It's exploding in my chest.

every morning

i want to show up at your house with flowers.
i want to crawl into bed with you and it be okay.

I've been driving in circles, for hours anywhere and nowhere, spending all the gas and time that should have been spent on you.

and the worst part is, i deserve it

I have never felt so lonely, isolated, guilty, stupid, selfish or helpless in my whole life.

I wish I had a way to explain how I feel, but you already know because you felt like this for so long. I know how you feel, but I also know you're strong and fed up. I betrayed your trust, broke your heart, and there is no excuse for it, so i wont make any.

I am happy, in a sense, when I am distracted. Ive been spending hours and hours just driving nowhere, finding new places, chain smoking. Night is the worst though. I always impulsively reach for my phone to tell you I love you, i miss you, good night, but i gave that up. I wish there was a way to make you believe that I underestimated how much this really hurt you. Maybe it was because we always bounced back. Now, I feel what it is like to feel like you don't want me because of something horrible I did.

You have no intentions of getting back together, so this is pointless. You probably don't even look at this anymore. If i thought you did, there is no way i could write this freely. Everytime i say something like this, its an instant push away, i know that. I figure one day, when you really wonder how I feel, that part of your heart will know to look here.

I just want to wake up with you every morning, make you coffee, smoke a cigarette. Spend the weekdays working, cooking dinner for each other, watching movies and working on art. Spend the weekends partying, but not because we are sad, but instead because we are so happy to have each other back.

Remember Genny's apartment? Tha'ts what I keep having dreams about. Maybe it's because i still have the polaroids from halloween up. I havent been able to convince myself to take the pictures down, but i've just been avoiding my room all together. Its weird, but if i sleep in sara's bed, it's bigger so it feels like it is supposed to feel empty. In my own bed, there is no excuse.

I dont care if it's minutes, weeks, months, or years from now, the minutes you decide you want to pick up your phone, or get in your car, and talk to me, or see me - god, this sounds so desperate.

I know it's impossible to believe me. I know it seems so unlikely that i could possibly be telling the truth when I say I wont hurt you again. How could I after this?

The only way I can prove that, is be faithful, wait, keep my life moving, but my heart is going to stay in the same place. I know you're trying to move on, well you are moving on, so you said, but I thought I was at one point too, and i realized I can't.

I cannot just turn my back on a mess i created. I have so much to work for, and so much time to do it. I WISH I COULD BEGIN TO EXPLAIN HOW STUPID I FEEL.

Yes, all that time you were telling me, straight away, how it was, how i was hurting you. How did i not see it?I know now, I really do, and it's too late.

I promise I am spending the days doing things for me and being happy. The nights, however, are beyond my control. I couldn't even stay at anne's house. I couldnt even walk inside, because even if it was a rough night, it was one of the last time i slept next to you.

We have spent too long feeding off of each other's hurt. I just want to feed off of each other's good.

I know it's too late, I know that. There is a part of me inside my brain, holding onto that optimism in my brain, telling me it's not that i'm too late, i'm just too early for when you might come around again.


And again, i know, I am queen of back and forth, so it's impossible for you not to think "well, when is the next time she is going to change her mind?". You don't trust me, but i mean it. This is so much different. I cannot lose you.

I suppose the only way to gain someones trust back is by keeping your word, so, i am. I am giving you space, I am crying miserably to the song you posted on your tumblr, but giving you space. I am doing things for me, I am working on myself. Just as i also promised though, I'm not filling the space in my heart where you reside. You shall see. No more, if's and or buts about it. I love you. I want you. I am stupid. I screwed up. I want to take you on an adventure and go camping and canoeing and swimming and make you dinner and give you flowers and kiss your forehead and feel safe. Until that moment, space, being productive, being happy.

It's not like i am a fan of testing people, but i think part of me knew that if this were a test, you would fail.

When the break started, i was afraid you would go back to claire, i had that pit that signaled me. If you didn't want to see her, you wouldn't have seen her.

The night i found out, you didn't really apologize for a long time. before you apologized, you told me you would leave and never talk to me again.

You have decided to move on. I cannot. I do not want to. I want us to work so badly. If you did not want to move on, than you wouldn't have started so soon.

You're stronger than i am. I wish we could go back in time and start over. More so, i wish you wanted that as badly as i do.