i just realized

how horrible that looks. it looked better with this one;



but it wasn't really what i was going for.

i am just bored today

and i miss people.

ironic, because all i want to do is steal you away and curl up under blankets playing that game with our feet where one of us presses down and the other pushes back up.

(click to enlarge)

spent the morning

looking at college courses.


i am torn between psychology and women's study.

i will probably go for psych.
i am just getting so darn excited for next year.

here i go with that

trying thing again.


trying at a brand new day, again.


yesterday was a brief collage of crying, cuddling, puking, kissing, giant hugs and cookies.

i suppose the pros outweigh the cons. i only wish the time periods over which each took place could have been reversed.

i lost a friend yesterday, but i was reminded so vividly of the others that i have.

maybe not so new

"My parents wanted me to call and tell you that my beliefs are in heterosexuals."
"I'm done with the [drugs] lifestyle i was in and i am cutting ties with everyone in it"

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Bellini,

I hope you know that although i am gay, i have played only a positive influence on your daughter. When all of her friends were pressuring her to smoke weed and get drunk, i was telling her not to. I told her that wasting her teen years and using her age as an excuse to partake in this meaningless activities was not alright. You are about to scold me and cut me from her life, when i am the only one who has been helping her.


ps. i told your daughter to take a break from dating anyone, i never encouraged her to be gay. i told her to follow what she believes, not what i believe.

a brand new day

is what i needed.

high hopes for the outcome,
though i am wry of that.

having high hopes and expectations are the only ways to get disappointed.

instability

flashing back.

i didn't want to be dependent on medication,
but i already am.

i wanted a simple answer to the not so simple things going on in my mind,
the irrationalities, the swings, the ups, the downs.

as i'm sure you could imagine, finding a solution,
and then feeling that solution weaken only makes my paranoia in those fields grow.

i am feeling insecure again, sad, needy, paranoid, desperate, alone.
i am feeling like you are the only cure again.
i am back to finding happiness solely in your presence,
and frantically seeking it when i am elsewhere.
it scares me, because i know what that can cause.

it only triples, because i know it shouldn't feel any of it.

i feel like crying, real tears.
it's been awhile, oh, approximately a month.
i can feel it coming.

i just don't feel happy,

and for some reason the real kick in the gut is knowing that right now,

at this very second,
this very moment,
there is a select group
of people whom could actually
make me happy,
cheer me up.
only few people,
one outweighing the others.
these people equal everyone,
and while i don't feel happy,

some how everyone else is.

please don't

be mad at me because
you don't know me
as well as you wish you did.

is it really my fault?

maybe if you could make the smallest slice and open up
your big, fat, conservative christian ego
and allow your own sister to live in that world,
happily and accepted,
things would be different.

we are not the same people.
you do not know what is best for me.
how could you when you can't even come to know me?

i am sick of compartmentalizing my life and i won't do it for you anymore.
you need to realize that you can't "save" everyone because some
people see what "the light" really is.

oppression judging damnation
and discrimination.

it pains you that you think i'm going to die a sinner.
it pains me to know you are going to die before you ever live.

yesterday was

thanksgiving.
giving thanks.
giving thanks to things you are thankful for.

what am i thankful for?

the things i am thankful for are not solely celebrated one day of the year. I am thankful for the things i could never take for granted. Wouldn't that define what someone is really thankful for? if you truly appreciate something, how could it be off your mind for a second? if you really care for someone, how could you only spend that day celebrating your love?

I think everyday should be thanksgiving, but i suppose some people need a reminder.

Is it good that there are holidays where people celebrate and see their families?
or is it sad that so many people only see their families on holidays?

maybe i am torn in between because i didn't technically see mine.
i was with family, just not the biological kind.

Another note of irony liz has pointed out: Gluttony is one of the seven deadly sins. 'Nuff said on that.

i fear

the stability i had found,
was merely temporary.

i fear,
that it isn't the drugs;
it's just me.

space

dontforgetit.

i took my medication

six hours late today.


i feel like i didn't take it at all.
i had almost forgotten what it's like,
feeling like this.

almost.

i have nearly

deserted this blog.

with my emotional state finally accessing a
sturdy balance inside of me,
where are these irrelevant rants
supposed to come from?

i never thought it would break my heart
to know my back was no longer breaking.

it's interesting, really.

stages of medication

feeling like you are dying.
feeling like you are coming back to life.
feeling like you are a zombie.

all hail the living dead.

i am sorry

if talking about old stuff
like that upsets you.

it's meaningless now.
it's dust, sucked in a vacuum
and disposed of.

maybe in my mind some things make more sense
in retrospect than
they did at the time,
so i always try to explain
things again,
after the fact.

the bloom,

from the pessimist's flower.
it's growing.

i swear there are roots
shaping out negativity somewhere deep in my soul,
down in my soles.
etched in the wood carvings
that make the hollow knocking on my chest.

i swear you're the birds,
flying out of my branches, and pulling my lone leaves
up to the sky through my skull.
as rooted as i am in those underground caves,
you are pulling me up,
and making me soar.

it's weird that i didn't want to come back to my house,

because as soon as i got home,
you can guess
the first tones that were used with me,
the first type of words thrown at me.

it really makes no sense.
not one shred of sense to me; none.
i don't understand what i am doing wrong.
i don't understand why i cannot go one day without doing something to upset someone here.

playing on repeat